Hind sight

I sitting here looking at a picture of a man I loved deeply. A flood of emotions come to me:

I miss you. I'm sorry. Who are you? I just want you to make me laugh again. I remember our child. I see her in my mind's eye. I wonder where you are. Are you happy? I have no doubt you are. You always knew how to do that...be happy. I couldn't seem to figure it out. Not with you. Not with anyone. All you wanted to do was to love me, and you did in spite of myself. Now so many years later, my body trembles for the sorrow of love lost. How am I just now realizing how much I was you and you were me?

Here I am on this late night staring at a picture of your wife and child. So beautiful and lovely and full of love. I know it. You always had so much love to give. Your love was relentless in fact. It didn't let me go for quite some time despite my efforts.

All of the crazy nights and vacations and inside jokes and late night conversations and coming back for more amounted to me telling you not to talk to me anymore. A couple of months later you found your dream woman. And here I am, still loving you from so many years and miles away. I would give anything just to know the man you have become. It kills me that you don't know the woman I have become. I know you cast me off in your mind's eye as a pathetic wretch you got fooled into caring for. Fortunately, I'm glad you were apart of me becoming who I am today. I just wish you knew how sorry I am and always will be for not realizing then what I know now. You were great and extraordinary. It was a privilege to hold your heart for a sweet crazy moment in time.