Me Time

Life is so grand. I finally have the relationship I've been dreaming about. All of my friends love him. In fact, many of them, I'm reiterating, a RIDICULOUS amount of them have cornered me to tell me how much they love him. They go on to question if I think he is 'the one' and either give me their advice on how not to screw it up, or a warning that if I do screw it up they will hate me forever.

I just want to deviate for a moment and say that many times I have said a guy is "the one" only for it to take a nose dive into dismal failure. I have long stopped using terms like "the one" and "soulmate" and other ridiculous terms to indicate that fate has waived its obnoxious wand over me.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. I'm soooooooo happy to have this great boyfriend. We moved in together very shortly after dating. It didn't feel strange. I didn't feel like I had to strive too hard to make room for him in my life. We have had a lot of fun times together. Snowboarding, clubbing, traveling, road tripping, dog parks, costume parties - I take him everywhere. So why am I feeling so restless? I just want to push him away. I don't mean emotionally. I mean physically. He is everywhere. All. The. Time. I am literally only alone on my drive to and from work. Ugh. I'm not used to this. The novelty of having a roommate is gone. The novelty of having a bed mate is O-V-E-R. Has anyone of these other non-singles ever felt this way? No one has ever mentioned it to me. Most of my non-single friends keep their marital issues to themselves. Blast them.

I have communicated my need to for "me time" to the boyfriend in question. He says he understands, but it never fails that my feelings of guilt plague me for several days after the conversation. It only lasts for days because I vacillate constantly between the guilt and the crazy longing to be alone.

Is this how it lasts forever? What do I do? This doesn't mean that I don't like him. This doesn't mean we should break up, right? Can't I just like him and admire him from several miles away? Or at least from the next room?

Now I feel guilty for bitching about the thing I have been searching for ever since I started this damn blog. It doesn't matter. Single. Taken. Life is a series of events derived to show you just how fickle and silly and ridiculous you are. I'm ok with that. Just let me be fickle and silly and ridiculous in a room by myself.

Why I'm NOT Single

Written in October 2015:

I am in love. So deep in love. Finally. Sigh....finally. And it's great. I never knew it could feel this great and someone could be so much fun and caring and loving and kind. Some of you are probably wincing or rolling your eyes right about now. Jealous, feeling like it's never going to happen for you. That's how I used to feel when I saw someone fall in love. It felt like it put a spotlight on what I didn't have.

But don't do that to yourself. I was perfectly happy the way my life was. It was full of fun and friends and my own way of doing things. But with this new relationship to factor in, it has challenged me to put my walls down, put my own way of doing things aside. The crazy thing is, in return I got so much more. I got a dishwasher, a handyman, a one-stop comedy shop, a bed maker, a dog walker, a trash taker-outer, a friend and confidant, a big spoon, a dance partner, a lunch date, and so on it goes. I know I could have had that from almost any other man I dated in the past, but when a man tried to be all of those things, it was obnoxious, and felt overbearing. But with the right man, I find myself sighing with relief and thanking the heavens above.

I never expected my walls to come down so easily. I used to have a lot of anxiety when I thought about the idea of someone being in my space and seeing all of my quirks. And I have A LOT of the them. He finds them 'cute'. I have not quite wrapped my brain around that, especially when my quirks include sleeping with a hair brush, watching TV while falling asleep, sleeping with multiple dogs in the bed, eating in the bed (pretty much all of my quirks are bed-related), vacuuming every night before bed, having to do multiple things while watching any kind of television show, never ending online shopping, and my obsession with Boston Terriers...the list could go on.

The crazy thing I never expected was that when I think about the men I have dated in the past, I can imagine that in another alternate universe, they would each be best of friends with him. I know they would deem him 'cool'...well, cooler than me. He's the guy everyone likes. I'm used to being the girl everyone hates so this whole thing is new to me. It feels like I now have a cool card.

The biggest reason, though, that I feel so cool is that I found someone that is immeasurably more than anything I could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. How did that happen? I have a big bald funny man, and he is officially the reason why I'm NOT single.