Bitter. Thirsty. Desperate. Jaded. Single.
You could justifiably describe me with all of those words.
How is it that I have friends who have been engaged, married, and had kids multiple times over before I have ever even been proposed to? I'm not THAT old, am I? I guess I'm not really that young either.
But, my optimism and humor about love you've heard from me in the past has now waned. Love doesn't conquer all. Love doesn't heal. Love doesn't.....anything. It certainly doesn't last. Not for me.
I'm so confused by it. Love makes me hate myself because I have none of it, but it seems to be all around me almost taunting me. How f**ked up is that?
I've believed in love, hoped for love, wished for love. I've asked for love. I've prayed for love. I've looked for love. I've chased after love. I've waited for love. I've fought for love.
I have to let go of all of that. I have to put it down and walk away. I have to shut down all of my desire for love. Because it's made me all of those things: Bitter. Thirsty. Desperate. Jaded. And worst of all, Single.
I've become the person I never thought I would be.
I find myself unable to hold back tears when I get the news that a friend or coworker is newly engaged or married or pregnant. I never thought that I would be the kind of person who let someone else's happiness shine a light on my own unhappiness. I never thought I would see someone's fulfillment as my personal measurement. I never thought I would find myself on the unhappiness side of the equation. But as embarrassing as it is, that is me.
And I don't know how to let go of that. So I carry it with me on dates, with friends, wherever. My identity is so tied up in in wondering why no one loves me. I can't stop asking myself where I went wrong.
I'm still genuinely happy for my friends who have good things in their lives. They genuinely deserve every good thing that goes their way, probably more so than myself. Those of you who know me personally, know that I have done my fair share of breaking hearts. You probably think that I am getting what I deserve.
That might be so.
But what most people don't know is that I don't think I fully understood relationships for most of my life. I still don't. I didn't have good relationships modeled for me. I always saw narcissistic one-sided relationships that pushed people away when they didn't meet expectations.
This sounds pretty crazy, but recently I was watching the television show "Married At First Sight" where trained professionals choose candidates based on a multitude of compatibility factors and ultimately get married at first sight. Then the couple proceeds to move in together and figure out how to live their lives together. After 8 weeks, they decide if they want to stay married.
I watched these couples who were deemed "perfect" for one another as they learned to communicate and compromise and make decisions considering the other person's feelings and desires. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it sank in, but I remember feeling dumbfounded.
Ooooooohhh. You have to work at relationships. You have to listen to the other person and consider them. Huh.....
I don't think I fully had a clear picture of what that meant, and what that looked liked until that point.
When I was coming up, we called people like that "pussy-whipped" or controlling. I came from a family who used phrases like "It's my way or the highway" or "Just get over it" or "If you don't like it then leave". Over the years, I definitely incorporated many variations of these phrases into my own relationships. All of my relationships took the highway over my way.
So I'm the broken component here. I get it.
I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse. It's all my fault, which can normally mean that I can also be the one to change it. But my terrible personality, my intensity, or curt communication and needy nature doesn't change easily. Trust me, I've tried. I have been reading up on neurosculpting to include several books about changing one's personality to be more optimistic or relaxed. The science is still nothing to hang my hat on. Most of the information out there is lots and lots of science and studies without much of a solid game plan to help unbearable humans like myself.
So in the meantime, I will show up to the weddings and baby showers with a big smile on my face and "Congratulations" on my lips. I will leave the tears for my own time, and continue to observe love as though I were standing on the outside of a shop looking through the window at it.
You could justifiably describe me with all of those words.
How is it that I have friends who have been engaged, married, and had kids multiple times over before I have ever even been proposed to? I'm not THAT old, am I? I guess I'm not really that young either.
But, my optimism and humor about love you've heard from me in the past has now waned. Love doesn't conquer all. Love doesn't heal. Love doesn't.....anything. It certainly doesn't last. Not for me.
I'm so confused by it. Love makes me hate myself because I have none of it, but it seems to be all around me almost taunting me. How f**ked up is that?
I've believed in love, hoped for love, wished for love. I've asked for love. I've prayed for love. I've looked for love. I've chased after love. I've waited for love. I've fought for love.
I have to let go of all of that. I have to put it down and walk away. I have to shut down all of my desire for love. Because it's made me all of those things: Bitter. Thirsty. Desperate. Jaded. And worst of all, Single.
I've become the person I never thought I would be.
I find myself unable to hold back tears when I get the news that a friend or coworker is newly engaged or married or pregnant. I never thought that I would be the kind of person who let someone else's happiness shine a light on my own unhappiness. I never thought I would see someone's fulfillment as my personal measurement. I never thought I would find myself on the unhappiness side of the equation. But as embarrassing as it is, that is me.
And I don't know how to let go of that. So I carry it with me on dates, with friends, wherever. My identity is so tied up in in wondering why no one loves me. I can't stop asking myself where I went wrong.
I'm still genuinely happy for my friends who have good things in their lives. They genuinely deserve every good thing that goes their way, probably more so than myself. Those of you who know me personally, know that I have done my fair share of breaking hearts. You probably think that I am getting what I deserve.
That might be so.
But what most people don't know is that I don't think I fully understood relationships for most of my life. I still don't. I didn't have good relationships modeled for me. I always saw narcissistic one-sided relationships that pushed people away when they didn't meet expectations.
This sounds pretty crazy, but recently I was watching the television show "Married At First Sight" where trained professionals choose candidates based on a multitude of compatibility factors and ultimately get married at first sight. Then the couple proceeds to move in together and figure out how to live their lives together. After 8 weeks, they decide if they want to stay married.
I watched these couples who were deemed "perfect" for one another as they learned to communicate and compromise and make decisions considering the other person's feelings and desires. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it sank in, but I remember feeling dumbfounded.
Ooooooohhh. You have to work at relationships. You have to listen to the other person and consider them. Huh.....
I don't think I fully had a clear picture of what that meant, and what that looked liked until that point.
When I was coming up, we called people like that "pussy-whipped" or controlling. I came from a family who used phrases like "It's my way or the highway" or "Just get over it" or "If you don't like it then leave". Over the years, I definitely incorporated many variations of these phrases into my own relationships. All of my relationships took the highway over my way.
So I'm the broken component here. I get it.
I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse. It's all my fault, which can normally mean that I can also be the one to change it. But my terrible personality, my intensity, or curt communication and needy nature doesn't change easily. Trust me, I've tried. I have been reading up on neurosculpting to include several books about changing one's personality to be more optimistic or relaxed. The science is still nothing to hang my hat on. Most of the information out there is lots and lots of science and studies without much of a solid game plan to help unbearable humans like myself.
So in the meantime, I will show up to the weddings and baby showers with a big smile on my face and "Congratulations" on my lips. I will leave the tears for my own time, and continue to observe love as though I were standing on the outside of a shop looking through the window at it.
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