Just when I was finally ready to move on from my narcissistic abusive boyfriend....it was a mountain of 2.5 years...yes, not 5 months or even a year...2.5 years growing and gaining the strength to walk away. I finally did. It felt so good....like I could breath...which is miraculous because I used to say that when I was away from him it felt like I was holding my breath. I would get his call or text, and it felt like I could breathe again. I finally realized that I was actually suffocating. He put his hands around my throat one too many times, I guess.
But after 2.5 years I walked away. I was forging a new path forward.
Until just days ago I found out that I'm pregnant. It's his. I have been deeply desiring children for so long, but not this way. Not in the most imperfect way possible.
I needed to know so desperately that right after buying the test I went to my car and peed in a cup. As soon as the test revealed my future, I broke down. Pregnant. So many emotions. It was true bewilderment.
More than anything I was wishing that I had a mother to call. I wished that I had a mother to call and be excited. I wish I had a mother to call to tell me what to do next. Instead I was alone Googling all of my questions.
Instead of feeling excitement, I feel alone. I thought I was alone before but I am more alone than I have ever been. I don't even have enough people for a baby shower to take place.
I called my therapist. She didn't answer. Texted me later and said she was with her family out of town. I told her the news, and she texted, "Do you want me to call you later?" As many times as she has reminded me that she's a resource for me outside of the office, she's just not. I'm her job. That's it. That's ok. I understand.
Just like I understood when my friends said they were too busy to celebrate my graduation. And like how I understood when my brother said he couldn't be there because he didn't want to wear a mask. Or how my sister can't be there for me because she's hopped up on pain pills and in pain all of the time.
Or how my friend can't visit me because she spent all of her money. But her stripper co-worker says she should make some money by stripping.
I grabbed dinner with a friend last night. I told him my news. Eventually our conversation led to him saying that though I profess to be a Christian I don't live like it. He's an atheist.
Earlier that evening I saw an instagram post of girlfriends who were out celebrating another birthday without me. I had not heard from them in months except when they made excuses to not attend my graduation but grabbed drinks together that same night. I sent a text to one of them, "I'm getting the impression that you guys don't want to be friends with me anymore." I have not heard back, but the message was loud and clear.
My friend at dinner told me that maybe I should look inside as to why I don't have friends. As if YEARS of therapy paid out of pocket and numerous books and prayers, oh and that one ayahuasca retreat didn't bring me enough soul searching. Thanks for the advice.
Then there is the shame I'm going to receive from Christians for having a baby outside of marriage without considering that I'm 36 and not in a relationship. If I don't have a child now, my chances are getting pretty slim. But hey, I should have just prayed about it right?
I keep replaying the words of a friend from my early 20s who got married at 21 and went on to have 5 (or 6) kids. I got pregnant at the same time she was newly engaged. She told me that I was jealous of her, and Gd was blessing her with a marriage because she followed the Lrd and I didn't. I ended up having an abortion.
And I think about specific friends who were completely unforgiving and showed no empathy when I got myself in this abusive relationship. I hid the relationship out of embarrassment.
So now this little baby is going to expose all of my sinful living and this abusive relationship that I've lied about and kept going back to like an opiate.
No one will stop to consider just how completely alone I am. They will just cast their judgement and opinions and move on with their lives. They won't consider the shame they have put on me. They won't consider that it will pass onto an innocent little baby that I deeply desire.
I won't have a baby shower. I'll spend 9 months trying to hide from everyone instead of it being a special time in my life and being proud of the life growing inside of me. I'll be in the delivery room alone because there is no one to be there. And I'm not sure anyone other than an Uber driver will take me home from the hospital. Not sure how that will work with a car seat. I won't have a partner to help me when I'm healing. I won't have someone else to change diapers and get up in the middle of night so I can sleep. I won't have anyone to celebrate the first birthday or take the photos or rub my feet.
I suppose that will be my "just deserts" for living in sin and fucking an abuser. That's what I get for walking away from parents who were abusive and made my life miserable. That's what I get for walking away from friendships that did not serve me. That's what I get for cheating on my previous boyfriends even though no one ever stopped to ask me if I was happy. They just told me I SHOULD be happy. That's what I get for not being happy.
That's what I get. I hope you are enjoying my sadness. Because what did you expect me to do with your judgement? Did you think I didn't notice? Did you think I didn't hear it or feel it?
I can only say that I've been alone for a long time now. Even with you in my life, I'm alone. You don't call or text me to ask me how I'm doing. You aren't a shoulder to cry on. Hell, when was the last time we even spoke?
The few that I have called to cry have made me feel foolish. You took my vulnerability and mocked it.(and you wonder why I stayed in an abusive relationship) I'm sorry I can't recite all of the mainstream feminist bullshit mantras about being strong and "empowered" to make myself feel better. I'm tired of looking at myself and knit-picking myself to death in order to figure out why I'm not good enough to be loved and respected and cared for. I'm tired of being in one-sided relationships with people....giving and giving and giving...only to be alone when I need it most.
I know in a few years when my baby is born and everyone who just used me for a good time has left my life, I'll find a way to hold my head high again. Until then, Jesus loves me.
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