I haven't dated in over two years. I'm not really sure when I would even find the time these days. They say that you make time for what's important, and I guess it's just no longer important to me.
If I'm being honest though my apathy started before I even became pregnant. I found myself going on dates only because I felt that my window for having children was closing. I was so frustrated by the whole thing at that time that I was having conversations with friends about adopting. I was discussing with my therapist about the notion of getting knocked-up from a one-night stand or marrying someone I didn't really love since 50% of divorces failed anyway.
So I basically saw my pregnancy as a rescue. It felt like I was taking my life back into my own hands. I had been sitting around waiting for something that felt entirely out of my hands. I found myself competing with younger women and caring way too much about what men thought about my life and my looks. It was miserable.
Granted, I was still incredibly freaked out when I learned the news. My baby's father is a complete useless abuser that is a terrible excuse for a human being, but he's mostly just a glorified babysitter at this point. Life is all about tradeoffs, and I'm still sure that my only other option was to have no children at all.
Of course, I had no idea what the future was to hold at that point. 2 cross country moves while pregnant. Fleeing with my newborn to a safe house. Fighting child services for my infant, losing my sister, and essentially becoming a single mother of two within 3 months of giving birth.
It's really hard to look back on the nonstop trauma of the past two years. It's really hard to feel so alone in all of it. I think about how much nicer it would have been to have a supportive significant other, a shoulder to cry on through it all.
But I've come to understand that the idea of that person is a mirage. That person just doesn't exist. Not for me anyway. And that's mostly why I decided to give up on dating. Every man I've ever loved, or even respected, has turned out to be a total mirage. Behind the facade is always lies.
Life truly is about tradeoffs, and I've made the decision to trade the lies for peace. I can't imagine worrying about a relationship in addition to everything else going on in my life. I can't imagine worrying about what lies I'm being told, who he's cheating with, what porn he's watching, what scheme he's hatching, or how he's about to screw me over.
I'm busy cooking and cleaning and driving my kids all over creation to doctor's appointments and play dates and school functions, remembering to give them their daily medications, laundry, meal planning, Amazon lists, therapies, naps, teething all while juggling my own full time job and managing a rental property and dealing with District Attorney's from my ex's many domestic violence charges, handling my sister's estate and my niece's complex medical issues.
I just couldn't imagine having to manage a man either. It's a good thing I'm not desperate. I'm apathetic instead.
I just decided...I've given dating over 20 years of my life. I've given it so much energy and money only to come up short every time. I've never met a man worth keeping around. Even if it was hard to let go in the moment, it was the best thing for my life. Regardless of the men, it's more about giving myself back the control.
These men like to run their mouths about how women are gold diggers, but are also too independent. They say they want a woman who doesn't sleep around but also can give a blow job like a porn star. They don't want to spend any money, but also don't want you to have any money of your own because that would make them feel like less of a man. You get the idea. I have tried to turn myself into everything they want and have found myself in a proverbial Cirque de Soliel trying to be what they want, but also seem to come up short.
Instead of continuing on like that, I just have to accept that I won't have that kind of love in my life. Because the other option is frankly too exhausting at my age.
Chasing after love has caused me to fall behind. Years ago, I gave up my retirement fund to a previous relationship. I gave the money because I thought the man would eventually be my husband. And that's what a wife should do right? So now, I don't really care what a man thinks about my financial position (which has bounced back beautifully, thank you very much). Because I'm the one that has to take care of me.
Finding a man, and a man in good financial standing at that, is not a given. But it is a given that I will have to continue to pay my bills and put food on the table for me and my family. Even after I'm dead, whenever that may be, I'm going to have to provide for my family and pay my bills. These are all recent lessons I have had to learn the hard way.
I know there are plenty of my ex boyfriends and even former friends who are feeling satisfied up on their high horse reading this. I unfortunately had friends who encouraged me to stay in bad relationships and I cared too much about what they thought. My abusive ex likes to tell me that I'm going to be alone forever because his abuse is all my fault.
The good thing is that finding a man to marry is no longer my measure of happiness. In fact I have found more happiness in eliminating that possibility from my life. My friends used to talk about how I would act so different when I was in a relationship. I think I always felt like I was compromising. I always felt like I was trying to convince the guy to be a good person...like I was using him as a reflection of myself. If I'm being honest, I never felt like he was good enough for me and no one else could see it. all they saw was his facade.
Even though I've had a really rough couple of years, I'm happier than I've ever been. I have more purpose and direction. I laugh more and smile more. My children bring out the silly side of me. They bring out things in me that I never knew were there.
Instead of taking selfies and photos of the dog, my phone is filled with photos of the baby learning to walk, and my niece showing me her new silly dance move. Instead of Friday nights spent dating, my Friday nights consist of pizza and playing board games. If I do have free time, it's spent sleeping.
These are normal parent things, but my point is that that's what I'm supposed to be doing at my age. I'm not supposed to be going out to bars to get hit on, begging for someone to notice me. I'm not supposed to be getting wasted to get lose enough to kiss someone at the end of the night.
I lived that life. I did all of that before I had kids. I danced. I partied. I kissed. I was noticed and seen and heard. I am happy with the life I lived prior to kids. I traveled the world. I experienced a lot of fun things. I'm so glad I got to do all of that before I had kids. But I don't feel the need to keep doing it. That is no longer my measure of happiness. That is not what lasts.
So I've closed the door on dating. It didn't pan out in the way I've expected. But I accept it and am choosing to forge a new path. That doesn't mean that my life has any less love than anyone else's. As I've written about before, I've discovered that love exists in so many different forms. I'm still clinging to love, but it's the love I've created. I'm no longer chasing after love and begging someone for it.
I'm not sure if the purpose of this is to wrap this "blog" up. It's been almost 12 years. But I suppose, this is truly why I'm single.
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