Perfectly Imperfect

I had an amazing date yesterday. It was like something out of a movie. One of those great unplanned dates...I call it 'perfectly imperfect.'

The plan was to go fishing in the mountains. But I had a prior engagement that gave me very little time to get ready for the date. When he showed up at my house I was wearing a sundress and did not realize how extremely hairy my legs were. I climbed in his truck and hid my legs with my purse.

We arrived at the fishing spot, but it required us to hike about a mile to get there. I did not know this and only had the sandals I was wearing. Still, we trekked on. Upon arrival, we noticed clouds building that would eventually lead to rain. After he taught me how to cast, we both hopped into the ice cold water to get closer to the fish action. At one point he came over and gave me a strange look. I was in the middle of rambling on about some story not realizing he was trying to kiss me. I laughed and we had an awkward first kiss.

After about 10 minutes of casting and reeling, it finally began to rain. We ran for cover under a tree. He gave me his over shirt since I was cold from standing in the creek and the rain. He was shivering but leaned over for another awkward kiss. We found our groove and sat there cold and wet kissing under a pine tree in the middle of the woods with no one else around. I could not have asked for a more perfect moment.

(It was definitely better than getting murdered and buried in the woods. These were the types of jokes I made most of the day.)

It stopped raining eventually and started again upon my first cast back in the creek. We continued to fish for another 30 minutes before deciding to call it a day. My sandals were very slippery, and I was having a hard time hiking uphill. So he let me borrow his 'toe shoes' (aka skeleton shoes). At this point I had a sun dress on, a John Deer hat, his large plaid shirt, and now toe shoes. My curls had long since fallen out, and I'm pretty sure I resembled a drowned rat. Couple that with hairy legs and, needless to say, I was not feeling very attractive.

We drove into town and grabbed margaritas. We asked about each others' families and friends. Throughout the whole day, we would make these jokes and look at each other with funny faces for awkwardly extended periods of time which made each joke funnier. After margaritas we walked down to the old school arcade. We played ski ball, talked to a psychic, and played air hockey. During the air hockey game he accidentally sent the puck rushing at me and smashed my finger. It is currently blue and purple.

In spite of this great date, I found myself holding back. I would stop short of sharing things or giving affection because I was remembering those feelings I once had for someone else. That someone else took my affection and broke my heart anyway. It feels hard to let go knowing I might get hurt again. Actually, the odds are pretty high that I will get hurt again. I found myself asking if I was really ready for this again. I found myself asking if I really knew I deserved love and deserved to be treated well.

It's weird because even as I wrote that last sentence I wanted to write “...and deserved to be treated like a princess.” Instead I wrote “well”. I felt weird about saying I deserved to be treated like a 'princess'. Gah! Why is that? I feel like using the term 'princess is a little overboard. I didn't really expect a guy to treat me like that. Are my expectations not high enough? Should I be expecting to be treated like a princess?

Either way, I will say my date was a complete gentleman. He opened my car door, let me order first, held doors open, untangled my fishing rod, gave me his shirt and shoes, paid for everything,and made sure I was comfortable. He treated me...like a princess. Maybe he knows something I don't. I think that says something about a man when he will treat a woman like a 'princess' even when she's satisfied with just being treated 'well'.  

Revelation Dating

I went on a date the other night. It wasn't really a date. It was more of a hangout. I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie at his house. I was told recently that “movie at my place” is always code for sex. However, I was purely interested in the quality surround sound and HD jumbo tv. Wink wink. Roar roar.

I originally texted him around 6 to make plans, and subsequently fell asleep. I called him at 7:45 to inform him I was going to head over. I finally arrived at 8:45 after a shower and quick conversation with my brother. He didn't mention my tardiness. He simply said that he had dinner waiting for me which consisted of barbequed chicken, veggies, and sweet potatoes. He even had a 'skinny' mixed drink prepared and waiting for me when I came in the door. I once told him I liked that particular drink. He even cooked veggies that I casually remarked I ate a lot of.

He pulled tv trays out and let me pick a movie out of his collection to watch. He didn't say a thing when I pulled out a movie he and I had already watched together. After eating he took my dishes and gave me a back rub and a foot rub. Upon leaving, he handed me some tupperware with leftovers in it. He explained that it was my lunch for tomorrow. I kind of laughed because it was something I would do, and have done many times to dates. I felt so taken care of. I left knowing he genuinely put effort and thought into the night and sought out to make me feel special.

As someone who has been dating and looking high and low for a relationship, you would think this would be a regular feeling. I mean, men go to great lengths to impress women. They clean up their cars, and wear their best outfits. They spray on the cologne and take us to fancy restaurants. Why did this evening feel so lavish and make me feel so special out of all the others?

It felt like it was a stark reminder that blasted me into a harsh reality. Most people approach dating asking the other person, “what can you do for me?” instead of seeking to display care and kindness to the other person. Just for clarification, I would like to believe I am the former of the two. I know most of you can't fathom that I wasn't always an upstanding woman. Through a lot of energy and soul searching I became someone worth dating.

But I'm realizing that I have spent so much time giving and giving to get a man's attention that I have forgotten to expect something in return. Am I trying to make up for my past mistakes? This might seem like a no brainer, but upon coming out of the fog I can't help but ask WHAT THE FUCK?!

Where along the way did I stop expecting anything? Where along the way did I start thinking it was ok for a man to treat me as anything less than special? I've always considered myself (as do many others) a strong, independent, no-nonsense kind of person, but evidence clearly shows that I am indeed not this kind of person at all. I will settle for less in a minute. I'm slowly waking up to realize that I have been settling for less for a long long time.

My married friends have been telling me that I expect too much from a guy. They tell me that it is wrong to expect a man to communicate his feelings for me and his desire for a future in a relationship. These are friends that are in healthy marriages and relationships, I might add.

The one thing I always ask myself after an epiphany of this magnitude is “what do I do with this information?” If NOT doing this came easy, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. How do I change? What are the appropriate expectations for a woman to have of a man (and visa versa)?

I guess that's the next phase of this whole thing. This year is defintely shaping up to be the year of epiphanies. I feel as though I am waking up from a dream to realize that the world around me is not pretty and perfect but evil and ugly. What is even crazier is that I am discovering I am not pretty and perfect either, but I might be one of those evil and ugly people too.