I went on a date the other night. It
wasn't really a date. It was more of a hangout. I asked him if he
wanted to watch a movie at his house. I was told recently that “movie
at my place” is always code for sex. However, I was purely
interested in the quality surround sound and HD jumbo tv. Wink wink.
Roar roar.
I originally texted him around 6 to
make plans, and subsequently fell asleep. I called him at 7:45 to
inform him I was going to head over. I finally arrived at 8:45 after
a shower and quick conversation with my brother. He didn't mention my
tardiness. He simply said that he had dinner waiting for me which
consisted of barbequed chicken, veggies, and sweet potatoes. He even
had a 'skinny' mixed drink prepared and waiting for me when I came in
the door. I once told him I liked that particular drink. He even
cooked veggies that I casually remarked I ate a lot of.
He pulled tv trays out and let me pick
a movie out of his collection to watch. He didn't say a thing when I
pulled out a movie he and I had already watched together. After
eating he took my dishes and gave me a back rub and a foot rub. Upon
leaving, he handed me some tupperware with leftovers in it. He
explained that it was my lunch for tomorrow. I kind of laughed
because it was something I would do, and have done many times to
dates. I felt so taken care of. I left knowing he genuinely put
effort and thought into the night and sought out to make me feel
special.
As someone who has been dating and
looking high and low for a relationship, you would think this would
be a regular feeling. I mean, men go to great lengths to impress
women. They clean up their cars, and wear their best outfits. They
spray on the cologne and take us to fancy restaurants. Why did this
evening feel so lavish and make me feel so special out of all the
others?
It felt like it was a stark reminder
that blasted me into a harsh reality. Most people approach dating
asking the other person, “what can you do for me?” instead of
seeking to display care and kindness to the other person. Just for
clarification, I would like to believe I am the former of the two. I
know most of you can't fathom that I wasn't always an upstanding
woman. Through a lot of energy and soul searching I became someone
worth dating.
But I'm realizing that I have spent so
much time giving and giving to get a man's attention that I have
forgotten to expect something in return. Am I trying to make up for
my past mistakes? This might seem like a no brainer, but upon coming
out of the fog I can't help but ask WHAT THE FUCK?!
Where along the way did I stop
expecting anything? Where along the way did I start thinking it was
ok for a man to treat me as anything less than special? I've always
considered myself (as do many others) a strong, independent,
no-nonsense kind of person, but evidence clearly shows that I am
indeed not this kind of person at all. I will settle for less in a
minute. I'm slowly waking up to realize that I have been settling for
less for a long long time.
My married friends have been telling me
that I expect too much from a guy. They tell me that it is wrong to
expect a man to communicate his feelings for me and his desire for a
future in a relationship. These are friends that are in healthy
marriages and relationships, I might add.
The one thing I always ask myself after
an epiphany of this magnitude is “what do I do with this
information?” If NOT doing this came easy, I wouldn't be in this
situation in the first place. How do I change? What are the
appropriate expectations for a woman to have of a man (and visa
versa)?
I guess that's the next phase of this
whole thing. This year is defintely shaping up to be the year of
epiphanies. I feel as though I am waking up from a dream to realize
that the world around me is not pretty and perfect but evil and ugly.
What is even crazier is that I am discovering I am not pretty and
perfect either, but I might be one of those evil and ugly people too.
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