I have been meaning to share this crazy story of mine for a few weeks now.
Some of you that see me regularly know this story, so I apologize for the redundancy. I thought I should document just a piece of the ridiculousness that is my life:
Most of you that know me know that I have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy. As the Chinese fortune cookie said to me once, "As one knows less and less about life, one learns to live it more and more." I can say similar things about my sense of humor. It has degenerated to the lowest forms of humor, most of which 12-year old boys find funny along with other degenerates like me. This has come into stark contrast with my search for adulthood and maturity. Oh well...
With that being said, my favorite vein of jokes recently has been pertaining to STDs. I know some of you are squinting your eyes and making a face thinking, "STD's are no laughing matter." You have a point. And when someone chose my joke as an opportunity google photos of STDs, I saw the light. However, for 2015, this has been my go-to joke for just about any situation. There might have even been several of those jokes said at work and church and at the doctor's office.
I digress...
Several weeks ago, I was at a concert festival with some friends. We were getting a steady bombardment of gentleman giving us attention. One in particular was a youngin'. Way too young for me. Still, he confidently walked right up to me and started grabbing my butt while talking to our group. I was a little shocked by his aggressive nature. I gave him a look and asked him how old he was. He said it was his 21st birthday. A milestone. To celebrate, I reached into my boot and pulled out one of the shots I snuck in and jammed it in his hand.
Then I looked at him and told him I had Aids. Straight-faced. Aids. Sad to say, I was saying that to randos all night. My friend kept telling me that was a totally inappropriate joke to say to strangers, and everyone else too. I laughed it off and thought anyone who took me seriously had to be crazy. (It's not me. It's them.) I just didn't know a nice way of saying that I wasn't interested. I said the first thing that popped into my mind. Who can blame me? (I can't)
Let's switch gears
So earlier this year, I dated a guy for about a month or so. After about a month of seeing him, he began to pressure me to pursue a more physical relationship. Due to timing and interest level, I held off. I had just returned from being out of town and had to work in Denver the day I returned to work. That day, he summoned me and requested that I sleep over at his house. Because it was a Tuesday night and I wouldn't be ending my work day until late, I told him I couldn't do it. He then suggested moving the sleepover to my house.
My house was an absolute disaster from the whirlwhind of traveling. I said 'no' again. He immediately texted me back and said, "We should not see each other anymore." I sent him a frowny(frownie?) face and moved on. I didn't put a lot of brain power into why. Se la vie.
So several months later, I find myself at a bar with some friends when I spot him. (His nickname was Vince Vaughn) I approach him and say hi. Nothing wrong with that.
After chatting for several minutes he looks at me and says, "You know why I broke up with you?"
"You made so many herpes jokes, then wouldn't hook up with me; I was convinced you had herpes."
It was truly one of those moments that my life flashed before my eyes. I remembered all the STD jokes I made on first dates, all of the jokes I passively made around friends, siblings, bosses, coworkers, doctors, psychiatrists... And then it all became clear to me.
This is why I'm single.
Some of you that see me regularly know this story, so I apologize for the redundancy. I thought I should document just a piece of the ridiculousness that is my life:
Most of you that know me know that I have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy. As the Chinese fortune cookie said to me once, "As one knows less and less about life, one learns to live it more and more." I can say similar things about my sense of humor. It has degenerated to the lowest forms of humor, most of which 12-year old boys find funny along with other degenerates like me. This has come into stark contrast with my search for adulthood and maturity. Oh well...
With that being said, my favorite vein of jokes recently has been pertaining to STDs. I know some of you are squinting your eyes and making a face thinking, "STD's are no laughing matter." You have a point. And when someone chose my joke as an opportunity google photos of STDs, I saw the light. However, for 2015, this has been my go-to joke for just about any situation. There might have even been several of those jokes said at work and church and at the doctor's office.
I digress...
Several weeks ago, I was at a concert festival with some friends. We were getting a steady bombardment of gentleman giving us attention. One in particular was a youngin'. Way too young for me. Still, he confidently walked right up to me and started grabbing my butt while talking to our group. I was a little shocked by his aggressive nature. I gave him a look and asked him how old he was. He said it was his 21st birthday. A milestone. To celebrate, I reached into my boot and pulled out one of the shots I snuck in and jammed it in his hand.
Then I looked at him and told him I had Aids. Straight-faced. Aids. Sad to say, I was saying that to randos all night. My friend kept telling me that was a totally inappropriate joke to say to strangers, and everyone else too. I laughed it off and thought anyone who took me seriously had to be crazy. (It's not me. It's them.) I just didn't know a nice way of saying that I wasn't interested. I said the first thing that popped into my mind. Who can blame me? (I can't)
Let's switch gears
So earlier this year, I dated a guy for about a month or so. After about a month of seeing him, he began to pressure me to pursue a more physical relationship. Due to timing and interest level, I held off. I had just returned from being out of town and had to work in Denver the day I returned to work. That day, he summoned me and requested that I sleep over at his house. Because it was a Tuesday night and I wouldn't be ending my work day until late, I told him I couldn't do it. He then suggested moving the sleepover to my house.
My house was an absolute disaster from the whirlwhind of traveling. I said 'no' again. He immediately texted me back and said, "We should not see each other anymore." I sent him a frowny(frownie?) face and moved on. I didn't put a lot of brain power into why. Se la vie.
So several months later, I find myself at a bar with some friends when I spot him. (His nickname was Vince Vaughn) I approach him and say hi. Nothing wrong with that.
After chatting for several minutes he looks at me and says, "You know why I broke up with you?"
"You made so many herpes jokes, then wouldn't hook up with me; I was convinced you had herpes."
It was truly one of those moments that my life flashed before my eyes. I remembered all the STD jokes I made on first dates, all of the jokes I passively made around friends, siblings, bosses, coworkers, doctors, psychiatrists... And then it all became clear to me.
This is why I'm single.
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