I know that I haven't spoken much about this on my blog, but I have to let you all know: I believe in G-d. I have a relationship with G-d that has grown and changed and had it's ups and downs over the years. I am saying this so you know a little bit of the lens through which I look at my life. I have grown to trust G-d with a lot of aspects of my life. I can say that dating has been probably the hardest thing to trust him with. It seems like every time I try to place that aspect of my life in his hands, I take it back and want to do it my way. After all, we are taught to believe that success is driven by the work of our own hands.
Finding a man with a similar faith used to be important to me. It has been an obstacle in previous relationships. However, as I've gotten older and more desperate, I have cared less and less about sharing the same faith with potential suitors. Instead, I just focused on finding someone I could put up with. Recently, I dated someone and felt G-d pressing me to break off a relationship for multiple reasons, but faith was the final nail in the proverbial coffin. The prompting felt strange to me because I will admit, my relationship with G-d had grown stale and strained. So the feeling that G-d was telling me to do something was rather odd and out of the blue.
Shortly thereafter, I went on a date with a gentleman and had a great time. The next day he flew to Missouri for a month-long business trip. I didn't have high hopes, but left it at that. We spoke on the phone more and more and found hours slipping away carelessly. He was making me laugh. He was a great listener, and genuinely seemed interested in me.
Subsequently, I hurried home to Florida for the funeral of the pastor that mentored me and encouraged my teenage relationship with G-d. I was saddened by the loss and knew I needed to be apart of the celebration of his life. Because everything happened so quickly, I did not have much of a chance to reflect and didn't realize it had been so long since I had been home. When I touched down and let the humidity rush across my skin I was brought back to the world of my youth. Where had the time gone? Had it really be 10 years since I lived here? It was overwhelming to see the gathering of so many people from my past in one place. I was definitely there for the celebration of life for a pastor I held so dear, but it seemed that there was more than that going on for me.I was spinning in memories and people of my past. It seemed like I had lived so many lifetimes up to that point.
After the service, I met up with a boyfriend from my teenage life that I was positive (at the time) I would marry. (I thought that in high school) Not much seemed to change from the outside. He still made me laugh like he used to. I felt comfortable and at ease around him. I could picture my life with him in that moment. We left the restaurant. I drove my way. He drove his way.
I saw several other boyfriends over the course of that weekend. And each one was great to see and talk about life and the good ol' days when we were young and carefree. Before life had taken its turns and choices were made and our separate ways we went.
Strangely, I even got a call from a boyfriend not from Florida, but somehow gave me a call from very far away (Korea) because he said his curiosity had gotten the best of him. I had been his first love. We had a tumultuous three years of a lot of back and forth. Our final phone call and final goodbye is burned into my memory. I can't remember a more difficult goodbye. Shortly thereafter, he met the woman who would become his wife. He now has 2 children and works as a pilot in the military. After the conversation was over and we said our goodbyes, I kept waiting for tears to come. I kept waiting for the wave of emotion to hit me. It never came. I expected to cry as I lamented over love lost. But I didn't. I kept waiting for the tears to come, but they never did.
At the service, I saw the people who had mentored me all in one place honoring a great man. I had a moment where I looked around and thought 'so this is who I am.' These people. Their prayers. Their encouragement. Their time. They were a huge cornerstone in the foundation of who I am. It seemed I had forgotten all of that. I began to think back. As I hugged my old youth pastor, I remembered my young heart. I remember his wisdom, his love and care he had for each person he led. I remembered a girl who was fearless and passionate. I just could not deny the impact each person played in my life. And it was because of them, that I was able to hear the voice of G-d calling me to Colorado where I have since made myself a great life.
Regardless of the years I have spent away from all of those people, they had made an impact that is even still being revealed. Even though they are far away,
As for each of the boyfriends, surprisingly, I walked away feeling like everyone and everything was as it should be in my life. I used to be so scared to let people go. Scared that I would miss out on something great. How could I let go of the people who have a piece of my heart and are so deeply rooted in my past? I don't think I have let go of them. They are all special treasures in my life, but for the first time I felt peace with the different roads we have all taken.
It was clear to me that G-d was orchestrating this in preparation of something. Even since I have returned there have been other situations that have allowed loose ends with romantic relationships to be tied up.
Over the course of these months, I have gotten to know the man on the month-long business trip in spite of being far away. We have spent hours talking about who we are: where we have come from and where we want to go. He has a great family. He's super smart. He can imitate anyone's voice. My favorite is his Kermit the Frog impersonation. He's nerdy and most likely thinks he's a superhero. I have learned that his smile brings me so much joy. He's a great listener still. He has shown me a great deal of patience and love. He could be friends with anyone from my past and present. In my mind's eye, I picture him being friends with each ex and having been mentored by the same mentors I have had...in an alternate universe sort of way.
I don't know if this relationship is what G-d was preparing me for when he drug out the barrage of past relationships. But I know I'm ready to walk down the road and find out.
Finding a man with a similar faith used to be important to me. It has been an obstacle in previous relationships. However, as I've gotten older and more desperate, I have cared less and less about sharing the same faith with potential suitors. Instead, I just focused on finding someone I could put up with. Recently, I dated someone and felt G-d pressing me to break off a relationship for multiple reasons, but faith was the final nail in the proverbial coffin. The prompting felt strange to me because I will admit, my relationship with G-d had grown stale and strained. So the feeling that G-d was telling me to do something was rather odd and out of the blue.
Shortly thereafter, I went on a date with a gentleman and had a great time. The next day he flew to Missouri for a month-long business trip. I didn't have high hopes, but left it at that. We spoke on the phone more and more and found hours slipping away carelessly. He was making me laugh. He was a great listener, and genuinely seemed interested in me.
Subsequently, I hurried home to Florida for the funeral of the pastor that mentored me and encouraged my teenage relationship with G-d. I was saddened by the loss and knew I needed to be apart of the celebration of his life. Because everything happened so quickly, I did not have much of a chance to reflect and didn't realize it had been so long since I had been home. When I touched down and let the humidity rush across my skin I was brought back to the world of my youth. Where had the time gone? Had it really be 10 years since I lived here? It was overwhelming to see the gathering of so many people from my past in one place. I was definitely there for the celebration of life for a pastor I held so dear, but it seemed that there was more than that going on for me.I was spinning in memories and people of my past. It seemed like I had lived so many lifetimes up to that point.
I saw several other boyfriends over the course of that weekend. And each one was great to see and talk about life and the good ol' days when we were young and carefree. Before life had taken its turns and choices were made and our separate ways we went.
Strangely, I even got a call from a boyfriend not from Florida, but somehow gave me a call from very far away (Korea) because he said his curiosity had gotten the best of him. I had been his first love. We had a tumultuous three years of a lot of back and forth. Our final phone call and final goodbye is burned into my memory. I can't remember a more difficult goodbye. Shortly thereafter, he met the woman who would become his wife. He now has 2 children and works as a pilot in the military. After the conversation was over and we said our goodbyes, I kept waiting for tears to come. I kept waiting for the wave of emotion to hit me. It never came. I expected to cry as I lamented over love lost. But I didn't. I kept waiting for the tears to come, but they never did.
At the service, I saw the people who had mentored me all in one place honoring a great man. I had a moment where I looked around and thought 'so this is who I am.' These people. Their prayers. Their encouragement. Their time. They were a huge cornerstone in the foundation of who I am. It seemed I had forgotten all of that. I began to think back. As I hugged my old youth pastor, I remembered my young heart. I remember his wisdom, his love and care he had for each person he led. I remembered a girl who was fearless and passionate. I just could not deny the impact each person played in my life. And it was because of them, that I was able to hear the voice of G-d calling me to Colorado where I have since made myself a great life.
Regardless of the years I have spent away from all of those people, they had made an impact that is even still being revealed. Even though they are far away,
As for each of the boyfriends, surprisingly, I walked away feeling like everyone and everything was as it should be in my life. I used to be so scared to let people go. Scared that I would miss out on something great. How could I let go of the people who have a piece of my heart and are so deeply rooted in my past? I don't think I have let go of them. They are all special treasures in my life, but for the first time I felt peace with the different roads we have all taken.
It was clear to me that G-d was orchestrating this in preparation of something. Even since I have returned there have been other situations that have allowed loose ends with romantic relationships to be tied up.
Over the course of these months, I have gotten to know the man on the month-long business trip in spite of being far away. We have spent hours talking about who we are: where we have come from and where we want to go. He has a great family. He's super smart. He can imitate anyone's voice. My favorite is his Kermit the Frog impersonation. He's nerdy and most likely thinks he's a superhero. I have learned that his smile brings me so much joy. He's a great listener still. He has shown me a great deal of patience and love. He could be friends with anyone from my past and present. In my mind's eye, I picture him being friends with each ex and having been mentored by the same mentors I have had...in an alternate universe sort of way.
I don't know if this relationship is what G-d was preparing me for when he drug out the barrage of past relationships. But I know I'm ready to walk down the road and find out.
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