Thinking back on my life, I am feeling like there is this part of me, part of my past, when I was a young girl, before all of the inhibition, and all of the hurts, and loves and everything, that I have forgotten about.
My friends tell me that I am way too nostalgic, but I believe that sometimes if we go back in time to the seasons of our life that were precious, unadulterated, and simply worth remembering, we can unlock special pieces of our heart and hang onto those pieces of ourselves that are worth hanging onto.
As I peer back in time- as it pertains to my dating life, I remember a girl that was rebellious, passionate, resilient and wild. I don't necessarily think about the particular boys I loved, but I remember who I was in the middle of my pursuit. I remember sneaking out of my bedroom window to slide into the inconspicuous car waiting on the side of my house. I remember the beach, or the church parking lot, or porch that I made my hidden make out spots. I remember that I would have done anything to be with the one I wanted. I was willing to take some pretty big risks in spite of being terrified of my parents.
Now I feel like, as much as I try to stuff down the rebellious wild heart inside of me, it just comes rolling out of me so uncontrollably. I can't figure out where the wild teenager ends and the responsible adult begins. It causes me to second-guess relationships when they get too comfortable. The thrill of a new connection is so intoxicating that I don't know how to embrace a long-term relationship. I get scared that by committing to something long-term, I'm saying goodbye to that wild, free-spirited, fun-loving, passionate girl of my youth.
What does that mean for my relationships? I thought it meant that I needed a love that felt 'against the odds', and dangerous and crazy..like my boyfriend and I had to be constantly battling the relational elements. He had to be carrying a sword in hand and be swashbuckling his way through our relationship, which in my adolescence meant people that were against our relationship, and disapproving parents, and personal fears and everything you might expect from a Romeo and Juliet scenario.
Then it kind of dawned on me, both Romeo and Juliet died. Not only did they die, but they died before they had to and over some stupid hearsay. I remember thinking the story was wildly romantic as a teenager. Now, I just find it kind of stupid. All of the drama, for nothing. The whole book was lamented over only for these two idiots to die. Oh yeah, I have developed a very practical side to my heart as well.
So where do these two ideas reconcile within me? I still feel like I want love to challenge me, and make me crazy, and spurn me to passion and infatuation. I want to know that I am taking a risk and truly putting my heart on the line. I still need the butterflies.
The truth that I know in my head is this: any long-term relationship is swashbuckling through life. Life is hard and has a way of tearing relationships apart. People have to be vigilant and protective of what they have. Bitterness, everyday stress, growing apart, trauma, and a long list of other negative things tear long-term relationships apart everyday. So you have to be quite the swashbuckler to navigate the relational elements and make something work. Unfortunately, none of that is quite as glamorous and romantic as Romeo and Juliet, Noah and Allie, or any of the other love stories that have entertained us for centuries. I just have to figure out how to get my brain to tell my heart what I know to be true.
My friends tell me that I am way too nostalgic, but I believe that sometimes if we go back in time to the seasons of our life that were precious, unadulterated, and simply worth remembering, we can unlock special pieces of our heart and hang onto those pieces of ourselves that are worth hanging onto.
As I peer back in time- as it pertains to my dating life, I remember a girl that was rebellious, passionate, resilient and wild. I don't necessarily think about the particular boys I loved, but I remember who I was in the middle of my pursuit. I remember sneaking out of my bedroom window to slide into the inconspicuous car waiting on the side of my house. I remember the beach, or the church parking lot, or porch that I made my hidden make out spots. I remember that I would have done anything to be with the one I wanted. I was willing to take some pretty big risks in spite of being terrified of my parents.
Now I feel like, as much as I try to stuff down the rebellious wild heart inside of me, it just comes rolling out of me so uncontrollably. I can't figure out where the wild teenager ends and the responsible adult begins. It causes me to second-guess relationships when they get too comfortable. The thrill of a new connection is so intoxicating that I don't know how to embrace a long-term relationship. I get scared that by committing to something long-term, I'm saying goodbye to that wild, free-spirited, fun-loving, passionate girl of my youth.
What does that mean for my relationships? I thought it meant that I needed a love that felt 'against the odds', and dangerous and crazy..like my boyfriend and I had to be constantly battling the relational elements. He had to be carrying a sword in hand and be swashbuckling his way through our relationship, which in my adolescence meant people that were against our relationship, and disapproving parents, and personal fears and everything you might expect from a Romeo and Juliet scenario.
Then it kind of dawned on me, both Romeo and Juliet died. Not only did they die, but they died before they had to and over some stupid hearsay. I remember thinking the story was wildly romantic as a teenager. Now, I just find it kind of stupid. All of the drama, for nothing. The whole book was lamented over only for these two idiots to die. Oh yeah, I have developed a very practical side to my heart as well.
So where do these two ideas reconcile within me? I still feel like I want love to challenge me, and make me crazy, and spurn me to passion and infatuation. I want to know that I am taking a risk and truly putting my heart on the line. I still need the butterflies.
The truth that I know in my head is this: any long-term relationship is swashbuckling through life. Life is hard and has a way of tearing relationships apart. People have to be vigilant and protective of what they have. Bitterness, everyday stress, growing apart, trauma, and a long list of other negative things tear long-term relationships apart everyday. So you have to be quite the swashbuckler to navigate the relational elements and make something work. Unfortunately, none of that is quite as glamorous and romantic as Romeo and Juliet, Noah and Allie, or any of the other love stories that have entertained us for centuries. I just have to figure out how to get my brain to tell my heart what I know to be true.
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