Ok. Shit is about to get real, like real real. I felt like I really needed someone to talk to tonight and I was trying to think of who I could unload on completely and would understand me. There were people I could think of, but in the end I didn't feel like it was fair to subject them to my ridiculousness.
So here I am. Can't hold it in anymore. I'm spilling the beans.
The boyfriend is far away, like on another continent. His job sent him there after already being gone for 3 weeks for "training". We are also in the middle of buying a house. It's the busy season for my job, and until recently I had 3 very needy dogs in my house. Needless to say I have been exhausted. I have been trying to get back into the gym and eat right, but can't seem to find the time in between working 6-7 day work weeks. When I come home from work I don't even get to sit down and relax because I have to clean an entire house after the dogs have completely wrecked it. Then in between that, I am having to manage all of the inter-workings of buying this house to include multiple inspections and fix-it jobs. Additionally, it's my responsibility to move our entire household with absolutely no help from my "partner".
So here's the thing, I know in my head that he doesn't want to be far away during this time. I know he is struggling with it, but in my heart I'm angry. I resent him so much for not being here. He can tell me how sorry he is, but it almost makes me even more angry. It's so easy to say you're sorry when I'm the one dealing with a dog that had multiple seizures a day and all of the vet appointments related to his condition. There is nothing that his words and phone calls can offer me when I have to take a dog to the emergency room at midnight and have him put down. There is nothing his words can fix when I have to move 3 sofas and 2 mattresses and find a washer and dryer and install it on my own.
I'm pissed because I'm alone and I don't even get the privilege of dating anyone! And this resentment, I can feel it sitting just below the surface, and it makes me ignore his phone calls, and talk callously to him. It makes me want to break up with him. I don't know how to let it go. I can try, but then there's a moment that I need him and he's not there. I'm so angry and it makes me feel so ugly, but I just don't know how to not be.
This is what always made me nervous about depending on anyone in the first place. I knew it was fake. It's annoying when I think the many previous relationships that I was criticized for not letting myself depend on someone, and I finally do and get handed this bullshit. Maybe single life is where it's at. I was alone, but at least I was accustomed to it. At least, there was never a rug ripped out from under me when it was just me.
So I've been operating in 'fuck this shit' mode. But I don't know hw much longer I can drag it out. The anger is suffocating me and making me drive very recklessly. So if I end up on the news or something you'll know the real story.
So here I am. Can't hold it in anymore. I'm spilling the beans.
The boyfriend is far away, like on another continent. His job sent him there after already being gone for 3 weeks for "training". We are also in the middle of buying a house. It's the busy season for my job, and until recently I had 3 very needy dogs in my house. Needless to say I have been exhausted. I have been trying to get back into the gym and eat right, but can't seem to find the time in between working 6-7 day work weeks. When I come home from work I don't even get to sit down and relax because I have to clean an entire house after the dogs have completely wrecked it. Then in between that, I am having to manage all of the inter-workings of buying this house to include multiple inspections and fix-it jobs. Additionally, it's my responsibility to move our entire household with absolutely no help from my "partner".
So here's the thing, I know in my head that he doesn't want to be far away during this time. I know he is struggling with it, but in my heart I'm angry. I resent him so much for not being here. He can tell me how sorry he is, but it almost makes me even more angry. It's so easy to say you're sorry when I'm the one dealing with a dog that had multiple seizures a day and all of the vet appointments related to his condition. There is nothing that his words and phone calls can offer me when I have to take a dog to the emergency room at midnight and have him put down. There is nothing his words can fix when I have to move 3 sofas and 2 mattresses and find a washer and dryer and install it on my own.
I'm pissed because I'm alone and I don't even get the privilege of dating anyone! And this resentment, I can feel it sitting just below the surface, and it makes me ignore his phone calls, and talk callously to him. It makes me want to break up with him. I don't know how to let it go. I can try, but then there's a moment that I need him and he's not there. I'm so angry and it makes me feel so ugly, but I just don't know how to not be.
This is what always made me nervous about depending on anyone in the first place. I knew it was fake. It's annoying when I think the many previous relationships that I was criticized for not letting myself depend on someone, and I finally do and get handed this bullshit. Maybe single life is where it's at. I was alone, but at least I was accustomed to it. At least, there was never a rug ripped out from under me when it was just me.
So I've been operating in 'fuck this shit' mode. But I don't know hw much longer I can drag it out. The anger is suffocating me and making me drive very recklessly. So if I end up on the news or something you'll know the real story.
Rachel, you are a beautiful woman who does so much for others. I would encourage you to take time for you; spend time in prayer and the Word, get a massage (I have the best guy I can give you contact info) and do something today you really enjoy. Then ask the Holy Spirit if this guy is the one for you. If he's not, let him go....being single is not anything to resent! If he is the one, respect and support him. Thank God he has a job! He can't control his work sending him away and I'm sure he would much rather be there helping you. If I can tell you one thing....don't be dependent on anyone! Be independent then when you marry, learn to be inter-dependent but not dependent on your husband. Because you're giving out to others so much, you may be looking to your partner to fill that need. I can tell you first hand being in a lot of relationships before I became a Christian, only Jesus can truly fill our hearts desire, no one can fill voids in our lives. If you both truly love each other, support him and ask friends to help you with the load you're carrying right now.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason my iPad wouldn't let me type more! We are here for you and I anyone in the Thursday Night group would be there to help you as well, along with all your other friends. What can we do to help lighten your load? I just texted you, let us know how we can help! Love you girl!
DeletePam, I don't know how I just saw this response. It's June! But I so appreciate it. There's a common thread with the advice friends have been giving me, including yours about not looking for someone to fulfill me. I didn't think I was that person, but maybe that has been the issue with me. Thanks so much. I would love to grab coffee and talk about this more.
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