Raaaaaaaandy!

I just went on an amazing date tonight. I'm not sure what else to say except that he seems to be the quintessential guy who I would follow into a gator-filled abyss instantly if he asked me to.

I kept trying to read his body language. His body language said he was guarded and not liking me at certain points, but texted me the following, "No matter where this would take us, you truly are one of the most...ideal women I've ever met." I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's a good thing.

Our conversation was good. We seemed to have a lot in common. I don't want to over-analyze into oblivion, but I like him.

This throws a real kink into my plans. I didn't plan on liking anyone, damnit...


Best of all, we both speak fluent white-people ebonics.


This is why I'm single.  

Played

And here I am. That girl that's broken up with. Again. This time really knocked me on my ass. I'm so confused, more confused than ever. What did I do wrong? He says I didn't do anything wrong. He said he just didn't see a future with me. What? I understand that, but I don't believe it. He said he's scared of me moving to Hawaii and him hurting me. Aren't we all scared in love? Is it 'love' if it's not somewhat scary?

I just don't understand why time and time again, I end up back here. Starting over. Over and over and over. It's not that there aren't men. Plenty of men are interested in me, but rarely do I find someone who provokes me to love. Against all the odds I let him in. He let me in. I have no doubt about that. Everything was fine between us. What happened? Literally, one minute he was leaving me a voicemail telling me to have a great day, and the next he was breaking up with me. He acted cold and nonchalant, like I was a random girl or something.It was infuriating.  

More than anything I feel like a fool. He was the serial dater, the guy who never got too attached. He was my "Mr. Big." I felt lucky to be that girl. I know all women secretly desire a love story, not just a guy. At least I do. But all of my love stories have me coming up looking like an idiot for believing him. I told all of our friends how much he changed. Many friends didn't believe he could be different. My own brother thought I was just getting used. Turns out they were all right. I'm just a fool who fell in love with a fool.I'm one of those girls. Ugh.

I wondered for a long time if he was just using me I until he was ready to let go of Colorado. I wondered if I was just in his life because he was lonely. I pushed it out of my mind because I was in love. Love trusts. Love risks. I was willing to do that.

This is why I'm single.

sigh of relief

Ok. My attitude is fixed. I just needed a freakout week to adjust to this whole thing. I've decided to focus on what's in front of me. Enjoy my life here, and allow him to make his home 2,500 miles away. That's all he's doing. He's lonely and experiencing a new life. I need to give him his space.

I sound completely ridiculous. Like one of "those" girls I can't stand. The ones who over analyze every little thing and smother men to death. Bleh. I hate being that girl. I hate knowing that girl. Haven't we all been on both sides of that fence though? It's so weird how love can make a person completely insane. Or at least completely insecure.

I was talking with a friend the other night who was explaining how our feelings stem from our beliefs. He asked me about my core beliefs and what they were concerning these feelings of insecurity. I haven't figured it out yet, but I have been chewing on it.

Last night Boo called me late after I had been out and about drinking. We were both tipsy, and he was at a restaurant. He proceeded to tell me how these girls hit on him and invited him to a bar to hear some live music.

(He's kind of a "Mr. Big" in the sense that there are these moments where his heart is completely open and emotion and compassion flow freely from him....but mostly he is guarded and afraid.)

But, because we were both tipsy, I thought it was a good time to gently tell him how I was feeling. I told him that the past week really seemed like he was finally settling into Hawaii life and forgetting about me. That's when it hit me. I'm not scared about him finding another girl. I'm scared that the only reason he's talking to me now is because he doesn't know anyone else in Hawaii. Of course, having no filter, I said all of these things the moment they came to my mind. Fortunately for me he proceeded to lavish me with praise and tell me I was all he could think about. He also validated my fear a little bit by admitting he was settling in, but lonely. I was a good mixture of honesty, lamentation, and sweetness. He finished it up by telling me he loved me....unprovoked. It really was just what I needed. After we ended the phone call, I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

...Maybe this is for real.

Now I can stop all of this craziness and go back to laughing. Hopefully, though, this is my season to laugh with love instead of at love.

Damn it.

Damn it. I said I wouldn't do this. I said I could live with an "open relationship." Hell, I think it was my idea. I don't think we really have an open relationship or anything. In fact, I'm not really sure what we have. But it was working for me. I wasn't too attached. Now all I can think about is getting my ass to Hawaii as soon as possible.

The reason I didn't want to commit to a man who lived 2,500 miles away is because I didn't want to be wondering what he was doing when he wasn't answering the phone. I didn't want to be thinking about where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. In general, I don't worry about those things when it comes to men. But tonight is the first time I got sucked in. My thoughts are running wild.

Last night he said he was scared he would hurt me. He said that whenever he gets too close to someone, he finds a way to screw it up. I am exactly the same way, but I decided this time I just wouldn't do that. To be honest, I was dating other people. (nothing serious) After this weekend, I was ready to give it all up for him. I think I was actually ready to commit to him. Now this. It's not funny anymore. I'm not laughing. I'm crying. Is this what commitment is? Being scared all the time? Feeling insecure. I feel like I have put my heart in the palm of this person's hand, and I'm scared. Really really scared. Damn it.

Adam Merrello

I finally found love and it just left on a jet plane. What the fuck? I cried the whole way home. Now that I know this is real, what do I do? All I can think about is getting to where he is. But I still have so much here. At the moment it feels like so little and piddley. Life is nothing without someone you love to share it with. Plain and simple.

I feel like I have to give this everything that I have. Looking back on the last time I was in love, which was 2009, I realize I did not treat the guy or the relationship with the care that love demands. I realize how many mistakes I made with it, and I don't want to make those mistakes again. I want to unashamedly, undeniably, outlandishly pursue love with everything I have. What's different is that this feels so real, so possible. This man really is my equal, my partner in crime, my friend. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, challenges me, and most of all makes me want to try. He inspires me to be the amazing woman he thinks I am.

And he lives in Hawaii. How we managed to go from hating each other to falling in love I will never understand. How two wild, "life-of-the-party" serial daters found each other and managed to talk their way into love is an infinite mystery. But it happened. It happened to me. Just the way I like, in the most unexpected and inconvenient way possible.

Holy shit......

I'm in love.

P.S. By the way, I have written several previous posts about this guy. He was "Risky Business" from my post Risk Business.

Catch up

I know I have not updated in awhile. This does not mean I have not been dating. Oh, I have. I'm on the last leg of my marathon. Since my last post I have been on dates with the following:

Investment Banker-I had a bad feeling about him from the beginning. He was constantly wanting me to text photos. He tried to jack off on our first date. I liked him, so I overlooked his indiscretion. Ultimately, I could tell he didn't want a commitment. Right after we agreed that we didn't want the same things he texted me to let me know he would be "up for fun" until 5.

Separated Guy-this guy was from my circle of friends. I was friendly with his wife. He had been moved out for 2 weeks when he began pursuing me...every night. When I said nicely that we should take things slow, he dropped off the radar. I had a feeling he was just trying to use me as a young piece of ass to throw in his 40-year old wife's face.

School Teacher-This was the guy who told me on the first date that he would be a Stay-At-Home-Dad if he could. He was also a little too short for me. And Boring.

Geeky Redneck Guy - He was too young for me. He was actually born in the 90's. That should have been the sign right there. But he was sweet, kind, and had WAY too many girlfriends. I know one day he'll shape up to be a great guy, but in the meantime he wanted to live for himself. His idea of a relationship was just completely selfish. All in all he just had one too many belt buckles (he actually won them :/ ).

Brazilian - Heeeeee'sss baaaaccccckkkkk :) Yes, the guy from my previous blog post called me in January to tell me he couldn't stop thinking about me. He also sat me front row at a Nuggets game. The moment I hopped into his truck, he played me a romantic song and sang it to me.

Josh from Tax class - This guy, I didn't even want to date!