Rainbows

And then all of a sudden love walks in, walks right over to the table you've been sitting at and sits down next to you. You. Of all the people, in all of the places, in all of time, love walks up to you, sits down at your table and says "take a walk with me". You say "ok".

That's how I feel. 

And in that moment everything fades. The men of the past. The friend who left you high and dry. The stressful job. The dirty house. The laundry lists.

Life, instead, slows down into moments, laughs, inside jokes, plans, hopes, dreams, smiles. 

You only want to hear love songs and good news and sunshine. 

It all becomes clear, what they were all talking about:

About how you will know the right one when it comes along, it will happen when you least expect it, it will be better than you could have imagined, it was worth the wait, etc. etc. etc..

Yep. That's me. I'm there. Rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, fields of daisies blah blah blah. 

It's kind of like a heart attack. the best kind of heart attack without the big bloody mess. 

Did I mention the rainbows?

I do not have an STD

I have been meaning to share this crazy story of mine for a few weeks now.

Some of you that see me regularly know this story, so I apologize for the redundancy. I thought I should document just a piece of the ridiculousness that is my life:

Most of you that know me know that I have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy. As the Chinese fortune cookie said to me once, "As one knows less and less about life, one learns to live it more and more." I can say similar things about my sense of humor. It has degenerated to the lowest forms of humor, most of which 12-year old boys find funny along with other degenerates like me. This has come into stark contrast with my search for adulthood and maturity. Oh well...

With that being said, my favorite vein of jokes recently has been pertaining to STDs. I know some of you are squinting your eyes and making a face thinking, "STD's are no laughing matter." You have a point. And when someone chose my joke as an opportunity google photos of STDs, I saw the light. However, for 2015, this has been my go-to joke for just about any situation. There might have even been several of those jokes said at work and church and at the doctor's office.

I digress...

Several weeks ago, I was at a concert festival with some friends. We were getting a steady bombardment of gentleman giving us attention. One in particular was a youngin'. Way too young for me. Still, he confidently walked right up to me and started grabbing my butt while talking to our group. I was a little shocked by his aggressive nature. I gave him a look and asked him how old he was. He said it was his 21st birthday. A milestone. To celebrate, I reached into my boot and pulled out one of the shots I snuck in and jammed it in his hand.

Then I looked at him and told him I had Aids. Straight-faced. Aids. Sad to say, I was saying that to randos all night. My friend kept telling me that was a totally inappropriate joke to say to strangers, and everyone else too. I laughed it off and thought anyone who took me seriously had to be crazy. (It's not me. It's them.) I just didn't know a nice way of saying that I wasn't interested. I said the first thing that popped into my mind. Who can blame me? (I can't)

Let's switch gears

So earlier this year, I dated a guy for about a month or so. After about a month of seeing him, he began to pressure me to pursue a more physical relationship. Due to timing and interest level, I held off. I had just returned from being out of town and had to work in Denver the day I returned to work. That day, he summoned me and requested that I sleep over at his house. Because it was a Tuesday night and I wouldn't be ending my work day until late, I told him I couldn't do it. He then suggested moving the sleepover to my house.

My house was an absolute disaster from the whirlwhind of traveling. I said 'no' again. He immediately texted me back and said, "We should not see each other anymore." I sent him a frowny(frownie?) face and moved on. I didn't put a lot of brain power into why. Se la vie.

So several months later, I find myself at a bar with some friends when I spot him. (His nickname was Vince Vaughn) I approach him and say hi. Nothing wrong with that. 

After chatting for several minutes he looks at me and says, "You know why I broke up with you?"
"You made so many herpes jokes, then wouldn't hook up with me; I was convinced you had herpes."

It was truly one of those moments that my life flashed before my eyes. I remembered all the STD jokes I made on first dates, all of the jokes I passively made around friends, siblings, bosses, coworkers, doctors, psychiatrists... And then it all became clear to me.

This is why I'm single. 

He just doesn't love me

There is a common thought that has been running through my mind lately. I guess the thought really hit me late last year, but I guess I subconsiously knew that I needed to revisit the idea.

Last year I was in Cancun for my friend's wedding. I used the time away to reflect on a wide variety of relationships in my life. At that time, life had become so busy that I had not taken the time to process my heart breaks from the year. Unfortunately, I have to say "heart breaks"...plural. Not just from my dating life but from a variety of relationships within my family, friendships, and a couple of romantic relationships/

As I began to reflect, I realized that I kept going back to the same people, chasing after them in hopes that they would one day figure out that they loved me. 

And it hit me, painfully. They don't love me. I replayed that over and over in my head. I wasn't trying to convince myself. I just needed it to sink in. It was such a simple truth, but one I had not considered.

Yes relationships can be complicated. But at the end of the day if that person isn't who you need them to be, they probably never will be. If they don't love you by now, they probably never will. And there is no amount of nice words, fun times, or pursuing that will ever change that fact. 

Right then and there I realized I needed to move on. It wasn't sad. It was empowering. Truth is always empowering. When I let go of that hope, I could move on with my life and place my energy in to pursuing better things, things and relationships that would give back to me what I gave them. It seemed like a strange paradox to say that giving up hope actually made me more hopeful. But I had placed my hope in the past things, when my future is where I needed to focus.

Now here I am 9 months later needing, again, to realize that I have allowed certain people to hold my attention and take my energy. But the simple truth is they do not give a shit about me. It's as true as it has ever been. They just don't love me. I love them. They don't love me. They are just using me like a toy for entertainment and validation. They are using me at my expense because I let them. Because I hoped that if they use me enough, they will fall in love. Does that logic make any sense?

I remember when I was a teenager I would borrow my sister's clothes constantly. She hated it because I would just leave her clothes laying around or sprawled all over her bed after each wear. I definitely didn't treat her clothes as well as my own. And now I'm the one being left laying around after each use to be forgotten and only remembered when they have nothing else to preoccupy their minds.

Again, I feel empowered by letting go of hope. Because I know I am doing the right thing for myself. 

Yes, you.

I'm going to say this once and only once just to you and only you:

We are right for each other. We are the most perfect of anyone and anything I've known. I didn't know it in the first moment I met you. There were a lot of distractions. I felt it for a second when we were sitting in the drive thru and then again eating fried chicken in the kitchen. I felt it in the moment that you threw my dog across the room in the middle of the night.

You're not right in the way that most people are right. You're not overtly wonderful. You're not flashy. But you're not not any of those things either. You're subtle. You're non-judgmental. You're strangely deep.

I knew from the moment I met you that I could be crazy, and too much, and overwhelming and the center of all attention, and I could still be yours. You could deal with me and call it beautiful. I knew in that first moment. 

I knew you were complicated and simple all at the same time. I knew you were incredibly smart and astonishingly dumb. You're cocky and humble. Rich and poor. Light and dark. I knew you were.... and I was too....all at the same time. 

But here we are. I'm here, and you're there. Right does not come easy to you. That's part of your beauty.

But none of it changes the fact that you were made to make me smile, carry my dreams, keep my body warm.

Ex

I recently started seeing my ex again. No, not a random dude I dated for a couple of weeks. I started seeing the ex that I spent two years cohabitating with. We've been broken up for almost 3 years now. I describe my time with him to most people as 'the worst 2 years of my life.' He doesn't know that. And somehow, we managed to spark 3 years after my escape. I don't say 'spark again', because we never sparked in the first place, which is just one of the reasons that it was such a terrible 2 years. 

Anyway, I found myself really liking the guy. The guy I once thought of as stupid, indecisive, shallow, unmotivated, insecure, and lacking personality grew up to be ambitious, educated, well spoken, humorous, and delightful. I must REALLY be desperate if I'm thinking like that! It's like a man mirage in the dating desert. 

(hehehehe...that's funny. I'm the funniest person I know) 

So yesterday I had the talk with him, the 'we can't be just a casual thing' talk. He said that he had a lot to think about with it and we left it at that. During that time, I was in the process of going to a graduation party and was driving an hour to Denver for the party, which is conveniently where he also lives. On my way up there, I found out that it was going to be a much more casual party than I originally presumed. I was way overdressed. I brought an extra outfit just in case so I called the ex to ask if I could get his opinion and maybe change clothes at his place. He said that he and a friend were planning to go grab a drink so he would not be home. I asked him if he could possibly wait half an hour or leave his door unlocked. I begged him. I pleaded my case. I told him it would only take a minute. He said no. 

No. 

Excuse me? You know this is the girl you said you wanted to be your girlfriend right? I was pissed. And hurt. I actually cried in my car over it. It seems like a small thing for me to get so upset over, but I actually had feelings for this guy. We had such a long history, and to get a refusal to be mildly inconvenienced by someone that supposedly cares about you? At that moment, it was clear that this was not someone I wanted in my life in any capacity. Who needs enemies when you have boyfriends like that!?

But.

When we were talking about this, and I was whining about not wanting to be overdressed, he said something so perfectly. He reminded me that I was going to be surrounded by friends who loved me and didn't care what I was wearing. I glossed over his words initially. I texted him and basically told him to fuck off and never talk to me again. I had a good cry and wallowed in my frustration and hurt for a few minutes. Then I parked my car and walked into the party. My friends told me how great I looked and what an asshole my ex was (and is). They reassured me that I would find my guy eventually, and we reveled in our friends' accomplishments like good friends do. I forgot all about my hurt feelings and eventually passed out on the floor of the guestroom. I know it wasn't super inconvenient for my friend to house me, but when I thanked her she said, "That's what the guestroom is for." And I thought, 'who needs a boyfriend with friends like that?'

Done

I'm pissed. I'm done. I'm pissed and done. I am tired of being some man's entertainment. I'm tired of being a texting buddy when they're lonely. I'm tired of being amusement when they're away from home. I'm tired of spending my energy and money and time to be nothing put a toy taken out and played with and put back on a shelf when it's all over. I'm tired of saying' yes' when I want to say 'no'. I'm tired of staying up when all I want is to sleep. I'm tired of bending so they don't have to. I'm tired of making two puzzle pieces fit when they don't. I'm tired of batting away half-witted compliments when I want to tell you your eyes are the color of dirt. I'm tired of overlooking your lies and broken promises and business trips and missed communication. I'm tired of being a matter of convenience for you. I'm tired most of all of giving a shit what they think and trying to be something I hope to God one of them could love forever. I'm tired of being the sex kitten, the 'Susie-homemaker', and the one to bring home the bacon. I'm tired of missing them, and thinking 'if only', and and jumping to answer their phone calls. I'm tired of being embarrassed about my simple lifestyle, my double bed that I share with my 2 dogs, and stack of dirty dishes in the sink.

I'm tired of being the witty, funny, smart thing I think you want me to be. I'm not apologizing. I'm no longer faking. I'm no longer covering it up. Don't text me. Don't call me. Don't show up at my house. Don't ask me out at 9pm on a Tuesday night. Don't throw my dogs off the bed while you try to undress me. Don't make me feel guilty for not wanting you to spend the night. Don't make me feel guilty for not saying what you thought I should. I don't care what I'm missing out on. I don't care what a 'catch' you are. I don't care about how many drinks you buy me or how nice your car is, how many 14ers you've climbed, countries you've traveled to, animals you've killed, strippers you've dated. I don't care how many names you call me, misogynistic epithets you give, I don't care. I am done.


*no boys were harmed in the making of this blog post

Hind sight

I sitting here looking at a picture of a man I loved deeply. A flood of emotions come to me:

I miss you. I'm sorry. Who are you? I just want you to make me laugh again. I remember our child. I see her in my mind's eye. I wonder where you are. Are you happy? I have no doubt you are. You always knew how to do that...be happy. I couldn't seem to figure it out. Not with you. Not with anyone. All you wanted to do was to love me, and you did in spite of myself. Now so many years later, my body trembles for the sorrow of love lost. How am I just now realizing how much I was you and you were me?

Here I am on this late night staring at a picture of your wife and child. So beautiful and lovely and full of love. I know it. You always had so much love to give. Your love was relentless in fact. It didn't let me go for quite some time despite my efforts.

All of the crazy nights and vacations and inside jokes and late night conversations and coming back for more amounted to me telling you not to talk to me anymore. A couple of months later you found your dream woman. And here I am, still loving you from so many years and miles away. I would give anything just to know the man you have become. It kills me that you don't know the woman I have become. I know you cast me off in your mind's eye as a pathetic wretch you got fooled into caring for. Fortunately, I'm glad you were apart of me becoming who I am today. I just wish you knew how sorry I am and always will be for not realizing then what I know now. You were great and extraordinary. It was a privilege to hold your heart for a sweet crazy moment in time.