Tell my brain to tell my heart

Thinking back on my life, I am feeling like there is this part of me, part of my past, when I was a young girl, before all of the inhibition, and all of the hurts, and loves and everything, that I have forgotten about.

My friends tell me that I am way too nostalgic, but I believe that sometimes if we go back in time to the seasons of our life that were precious, unadulterated, and simply worth remembering, we can unlock special pieces of our heart and hang onto those pieces of ourselves that are worth hanging onto.

As I peer back in time- as it pertains to my dating life, I remember a girl that was rebellious, passionate, resilient and wild. I don't necessarily think about the particular boys I loved, but I remember who I was in the middle of my pursuit. I remember sneaking out of my bedroom window to slide into the inconspicuous car waiting on the side of my house. I remember the beach, or the church parking lot, or porch that I made my hidden make out spots. I remember that I would have done anything to be with the one I wanted. I was willing to take some pretty big risks in spite of being terrified of my parents.

Now I feel like, as much as I try to stuff down the rebellious wild heart inside of me, it just comes rolling out of me so uncontrollably. I can't figure out where the wild teenager ends and the responsible adult begins. It causes me to second-guess relationships when they get too comfortable. The thrill of a new connection is so intoxicating that I don't know how to embrace a long-term relationship. I get scared that by committing to something long-term, I'm saying goodbye to that wild, free-spirited, fun-loving, passionate girl of my youth.

What does that mean for my relationships? I thought it meant that I needed a love that felt 'against the odds', and dangerous and crazy..like my boyfriend and I had to be constantly battling the relational elements. He had to be carrying a sword in hand and be swashbuckling his way through our relationship, which in my adolescence meant people that were against our relationship, and disapproving parents, and personal fears and everything you might expect from a Romeo and Juliet scenario. 

Then it kind of dawned on me, both Romeo and Juliet died. Not only did they die, but they died before they had to and over some stupid hearsay. I remember thinking the story was wildly romantic as a teenager. Now, I just find it kind of stupid. All of the drama, for nothing. The whole book was lamented over only for these two idiots to die. Oh yeah, I have developed a very practical side to my heart as well.   

So where do these two ideas reconcile within me? I still feel like I want love to challenge me, and make me crazy, and spurn me to passion and infatuation. I want to know that I am taking a risk and truly putting my heart on the line. I still need the butterflies.

The truth that I know in my head is this: any long-term relationship is swashbuckling through life. Life is hard and has a way of tearing relationships apart. People have to be vigilant and protective of what they have. Bitterness, everyday stress, growing apart, trauma, and a long list of other negative things tear long-term relationships apart everyday. So you have to be quite the swashbuckler to navigate the relational elements and make something work. Unfortunately, none of that is quite as glamorous and romantic as Romeo and Juliet, Noah and Allie, or any of the other love stories that have entertained us for centuries. I just have to figure out how to get my brain to tell my heart what I know to be true.

Resentment

Ok. Shit is about to get real, like real real. I felt like I really needed someone to talk to tonight and I was trying to think of who I could unload on completely and would understand me. There were people I could think of, but in the end I didn't feel like it was fair to subject them to my ridiculousness. 

So here I am. Can't hold it in anymore. I'm spilling the beans.

The boyfriend is far away, like on another continent. His job sent him there after already being gone for 3 weeks for "training". We are also in the middle of buying a house. It's the busy season for my job, and until recently I had 3 very needy dogs in my house. Needless to say I have been exhausted. I have been trying to get back into the gym and eat right, but can't seem to find the time in between working 6-7 day work weeks. When I come home from work I don't even get to sit down and relax because I have to clean an entire house after the dogs have completely wrecked it. Then in between that, I am having to manage all of the inter-workings of buying this house to include multiple inspections and fix-it jobs. Additionally, it's my responsibility to move our entire household with absolutely no help from my "partner".

So here's the thing, I know in my head that he doesn't want to be far away during this time. I know he is struggling with it, but in my heart I'm angry. I resent him so much for not being here. He can tell me how sorry he is, but it almost makes me even more angry. It's so easy to say you're sorry when I'm the one dealing with a dog that had multiple seizures a day and all of the vet appointments related to his condition. There is nothing that his words and phone calls can offer me when I have to take a dog to the emergency room at midnight and have him put down. There is nothing his words can fix when I have to move 3 sofas and 2 mattresses and find a washer and dryer and install it on my own. 

I'm pissed because I'm alone and I don't even get the privilege of dating anyone! And this resentment, I can feel it sitting just below the surface, and it makes me ignore his phone calls, and talk callously to him. It makes me want to break up with him. I don't know how to let it go. I can try, but then there's a moment that I need him and he's not there. I'm so angry and it makes me feel so ugly, but I just don't know how to not be. 

This is what always made me nervous about depending on anyone in the first place. I knew it was fake. It's annoying when I think the many previous relationships that I was criticized for not letting myself depend on someone, and I finally do and get handed this bullshit. Maybe single life is where it's at. I was alone, but at least I was accustomed to it. At least, there was never a rug ripped out from under me when it was just me. 

So I've been operating in 'fuck this shit' mode. But I don't know hw much longer I can drag it out. The anger is suffocating me and making me drive very recklessly. So if I end up on the news or something you'll know the real story.

Me Time

Life is so grand. I finally have the relationship I've been dreaming about. All of my friends love him. In fact, many of them, I'm reiterating, a RIDICULOUS amount of them have cornered me to tell me how much they love him. They go on to question if I think he is 'the one' and either give me their advice on how not to screw it up, or a warning that if I do screw it up they will hate me forever.

I just want to deviate for a moment and say that many times I have said a guy is "the one" only for it to take a nose dive into dismal failure. I have long stopped using terms like "the one" and "soulmate" and other ridiculous terms to indicate that fate has waived its obnoxious wand over me.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. I'm soooooooo happy to have this great boyfriend. We moved in together very shortly after dating. It didn't feel strange. I didn't feel like I had to strive too hard to make room for him in my life. We have had a lot of fun times together. Snowboarding, clubbing, traveling, road tripping, dog parks, costume parties - I take him everywhere. So why am I feeling so restless? I just want to push him away. I don't mean emotionally. I mean physically. He is everywhere. All. The. Time. I am literally only alone on my drive to and from work. Ugh. I'm not used to this. The novelty of having a roommate is gone. The novelty of having a bed mate is O-V-E-R. Has anyone of these other non-singles ever felt this way? No one has ever mentioned it to me. Most of my non-single friends keep their marital issues to themselves. Blast them.

I have communicated my need to for "me time" to the boyfriend in question. He says he understands, but it never fails that my feelings of guilt plague me for several days after the conversation. It only lasts for days because I vacillate constantly between the guilt and the crazy longing to be alone.

Is this how it lasts forever? What do I do? This doesn't mean that I don't like him. This doesn't mean we should break up, right? Can't I just like him and admire him from several miles away? Or at least from the next room?

Now I feel guilty for bitching about the thing I have been searching for ever since I started this damn blog. It doesn't matter. Single. Taken. Life is a series of events derived to show you just how fickle and silly and ridiculous you are. I'm ok with that. Just let me be fickle and silly and ridiculous in a room by myself.

Why I'm NOT Single

Written in October 2015:

I am in love. So deep in love. Finally. Sigh....finally. And it's great. I never knew it could feel this great and someone could be so much fun and caring and loving and kind. Some of you are probably wincing or rolling your eyes right about now. Jealous, feeling like it's never going to happen for you. That's how I used to feel when I saw someone fall in love. It felt like it put a spotlight on what I didn't have.

But don't do that to yourself. I was perfectly happy the way my life was. It was full of fun and friends and my own way of doing things. But with this new relationship to factor in, it has challenged me to put my walls down, put my own way of doing things aside. The crazy thing is, in return I got so much more. I got a dishwasher, a handyman, a one-stop comedy shop, a bed maker, a dog walker, a trash taker-outer, a friend and confidant, a big spoon, a dance partner, a lunch date, and so on it goes. I know I could have had that from almost any other man I dated in the past, but when a man tried to be all of those things, it was obnoxious, and felt overbearing. But with the right man, I find myself sighing with relief and thanking the heavens above.

I never expected my walls to come down so easily. I used to have a lot of anxiety when I thought about the idea of someone being in my space and seeing all of my quirks. And I have A LOT of the them. He finds them 'cute'. I have not quite wrapped my brain around that, especially when my quirks include sleeping with a hair brush, watching TV while falling asleep, sleeping with multiple dogs in the bed, eating in the bed (pretty much all of my quirks are bed-related), vacuuming every night before bed, having to do multiple things while watching any kind of television show, never ending online shopping, and my obsession with Boston Terriers...the list could go on.

The crazy thing I never expected was that when I think about the men I have dated in the past, I can imagine that in another alternate universe, they would each be best of friends with him. I know they would deem him 'cool'...well, cooler than me. He's the guy everyone likes. I'm used to being the girl everyone hates so this whole thing is new to me. It feels like I now have a cool card.

The biggest reason, though, that I feel so cool is that I found someone that is immeasurably more than anything I could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. How did that happen? I have a big bald funny man, and he is officially the reason why I'm NOT single.

What Every Woman Should Have

This morning, over my morning cup of coffee, I was reminiscing about my high school best friend.  When we were seniors in high school, she gave me a special book that I still have. It had the following poem, entitled, "What Every Woman Should Have."

What Every Woman Should Have:

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to
And one who reminds you of how far you've come.

Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place of your own 
even if you never want to or need to
 
Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of your dreams
wants to see you
in an hour.

A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying
 
A youth your content to leave behind
A past juicy enough that you're  looking forward to retelling it in your old age

The realization that you are going to have an old age
and some money set aside to help fund it
 
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra

One friend who always makes you laugh
And one who lets you cry
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family
 
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a
meal that will make your guests feel honored
A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded

A feeling of control over your destiny

A skin care regime, an exercise routine, 
And a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life
that don't get better

A solid start on: a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship,
And all those other facets of life
that DO get better
Every Woman Should Know:

How to fall in love without losing yourself

How you feel about having kids

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruing the friendship

When to try harder,
And when to walk away

How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen
next.

How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it

How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend
That you can't change the width of your hips, the length of your calves,
or the nature of your parents
That your childhood may not have been perfect,
but its over.
 
What you would and wouldn't do for love 
or money .

How to live alone,
even if you don't like it
Who you can trust,
Who you can't,
And why you shouldn't take it personally
Where to go - be it to your best friend's kitchen table
or a charming inn hidden in the woods,
when your soul needs soothing
 
What you can and can't accomplish in a day,
a month, and a year

Why they say life begins,
Right now. 


My, how far I have come since I received that special book with that special poem. My friend's message to me in the front of the book says that no matter where life takes her, her life is better having had me as a friend. Here I am 12 years later, appreciating her words, and understanding more than ever the poem she gave to me. Did she know something at 18 that I didn't? I'm not sure. Nonetheless, her friendship was a big part of setting me on the road to becoming the woman I am today. 12 years later, her photo sits by my bedside reminding me that the most important thing every woman should have is a friend. 

Burning House

I know this entry is not about romantic love. But it is about love nonetheless. I have been wanting to write about my dog, Howard. I had to let him go a few months ago. It still feels like yesterday. I still cry several times a week over him. He was one of the loves of my life. 

My idea of love was nothing more than love being that of a burning house. No matter what the circumstance, the moment you love, the moment you are doomed for heartbreak. I can love someone a lifetime, and at the end of the day, I will part with that person if not by life's circumstance, death's.

And so it was with Howard. He was my first rescue dog. He lived 9 years in a puppy mill before he came to me. He ate, slept, defecated, and everything else in a small cage. He was only taken out of the cage to breed. When he came to me, he was scared and skinny, and the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I loved him before I even met him, in spite of not being the playful rambunctious Boston Terrier I was expecting.

And as I start to examine the dog he was and how much I loved him, I ponder the reason pets have such a special place in our hearts. They are these beings who teach us to love in such a pure way, in a way we seem to be unable to love others. Howard didn't try to hide who he was or cover up his love for me. He was never prideful in his love, but fiercely strived to protect me. And in turn, I loved him unashamedly. Everyone who knew me, knew how much I loved Howard. Making him smile was one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. It was the truest smile I have ever seen from an animal. I look back on my life and can't say I have ever managed to love a person the way I loved him - so outlandishly, giving him more kisses and hugs and 'I love you's' and care than I have given anyone.

I made the call and scheduled the appointment a week in advance. That week was hell. Looking back on it now, I got to make the moments with him during that week count. But the truth is, it could never have been enough. I would still be wishing for more time. It seemed as if I could literally feel the seconds, minutes, hours, days slip away. I made sure to hold him every night and soak in his gentle presence. The night before he died, I bathed him and clipped his nails. I cleaned his ears and gave him a special meal. I rushed home from work the next day and held him until the vets came. He was asleep before they even gave him the injection. He left quickly and was just as gentle leaving this world as he was during his life. They say that people act in life is magnified in death. Howard's gentleness was magnified in that moment. 

Afterwards, I sat a few moments alone with him. I couldn't say much. I couldn't let the flood of tears and sadness wash over me with 3 veternarians in the front yard and 2 additional dogs going crazy in the backyard. My mother never raised me to ignore guests. I got a couple of minutes, however. I went to smell his paw one last time. I don't know why, but I loved to smell his paw. His scent was always comforting to me, and it was gone. Forever. It smelled like the most nothing one can imagine. He really was gone. The house was indeed burning and wouldn't stop until it was burned to the ground.

I know I did the right thing. It makes my body physically ache when I think about the pain he went through. I had to keep holding on in hopes that he would come back to me, but he was so tired of suffering. It was hard because I knew that I was signing up for sorrow to enter my heart and not leave for quite some time. It's such a helpless feeling knowing that there is nothing you can do but let go. I just have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing. I keep waiting for that fact to become stronger than my sorrow.

In the meantime, I have been challenged to love others the way I loved him: outlandishly, openly, honestly, responsibly. When I do that, I know it keeps his memory alive and makes his life count. His love changed my life. It might sound silly to say about a dog. But do you love others the way you love your own pet? 

Love is indeed a burning house. You'll never walk away from it with anything other than heartbreak. It might be tomorrow. It might be when you're 80. Either way, no one walks away un-singed. 

I think about the moment I woke up the morning Howard was scheduled to go. He had slept in his same spot, and we had the same morning routine as always. Before getting out of bed that morning, I took a moment to snuggle with him one last time. He always smelled a certain way after sleeping. I breathed in that smell one last time. It comforts me to know that I had that precious moment. I managed to block out the reality that he was leaving me and that I was running late for work to take in that moment, to appreciate the light shining through the window, his chainsaw snoring, and his peaceful smile. I remember that moment so vividly. Everything. I'm telling you, Howard was worth every burn from that burning house. You see an old red Boston Terrier named Howard Lee taught me to see that light coming through the windows, see the beauty of the flames, and to stop and smell Howard in the burning house. 

*I adopted Howard from MidAmerica Boston Terrier Rescue. They are a dog rescue organization committed to rehabilitating and rescuing Boston Terriers and Boston Terrier Mixes. Please visit their website at www.adoptaboston.com or check out their facebook page to find out more.

Mediocre

I'm just going to admit it. I don't do anything exceptionally well. I am incredibly mediocre. I have average looks, average smarts, average ideas, average health, average ambition, and little-to-no athletic ability. That is probably the thing I hate the most about myself. (Other than the fact that i talk too much, especially when I'm nervous)
Even in my job I am surrounded by these people who are incredibly driven. They work crazy hours, and do crazy things to exceed their goals. I have recently had to admit that I am just not driven in the same way my coworkers are. They work crazy hours, winning contests which consist of making the most phone calls, or talking to the most people, some even compromising their ethics. I am driven, but not to the extent that I care to win contests or play with work politics. It's hard to say that out loud and not feel like a mediocre piece of shit.

But I have this one thing to hold onto that's worth being driven and ravenous about. The boyfriend. I finally found someone who is worth writing about. And damnit, I'm going to love him exceptionally well. I refuse to be mediocre about this. I refuse. 

Is that enough? To be exceptional about this one thing? I think so. My mediocre brain seems to be fine with it. And I think that if I do this one thing well, I will have the jealousy of the world. Because they are exceptional. They have brilliant ideas, and drop-dead looks, and are top performers in their jobs. But lack this one thing. Exceptional love. and I've got it!