He just doesn't love me

There is a common thought that has been running through my mind lately. I guess the thought really hit me late last year, but I guess I subconsiously knew that I needed to revisit the idea.

Last year I was in Cancun for my friend's wedding. I used the time away to reflect on a wide variety of relationships in my life. At that time, life had become so busy that I had not taken the time to process my heart breaks from the year. Unfortunately, I have to say "heart breaks"...plural. Not just from my dating life but from a variety of relationships within my family, friendships, and a couple of romantic relationships/

As I began to reflect, I realized that I kept going back to the same people, chasing after them in hopes that they would one day figure out that they loved me. 

And it hit me, painfully. They don't love me. I replayed that over and over in my head. I wasn't trying to convince myself. I just needed it to sink in. It was such a simple truth, but one I had not considered.

Yes relationships can be complicated. But at the end of the day if that person isn't who you need them to be, they probably never will be. If they don't love you by now, they probably never will. And there is no amount of nice words, fun times, or pursuing that will ever change that fact. 

Right then and there I realized I needed to move on. It wasn't sad. It was empowering. Truth is always empowering. When I let go of that hope, I could move on with my life and place my energy in to pursuing better things, things and relationships that would give back to me what I gave them. It seemed like a strange paradox to say that giving up hope actually made me more hopeful. But I had placed my hope in the past things, when my future is where I needed to focus.

Now here I am 9 months later needing, again, to realize that I have allowed certain people to hold my attention and take my energy. But the simple truth is they do not give a shit about me. It's as true as it has ever been. They just don't love me. I love them. They don't love me. They are just using me like a toy for entertainment and validation. They are using me at my expense because I let them. Because I hoped that if they use me enough, they will fall in love. Does that logic make any sense?

I remember when I was a teenager I would borrow my sister's clothes constantly. She hated it because I would just leave her clothes laying around or sprawled all over her bed after each wear. I definitely didn't treat her clothes as well as my own. And now I'm the one being left laying around after each use to be forgotten and only remembered when they have nothing else to preoccupy their minds.

Again, I feel empowered by letting go of hope. Because I know I am doing the right thing for myself. 

Yes, you.

I'm going to say this once and only once just to you and only you:

We are right for each other. We are the most perfect of anyone and anything I've known. I didn't know it in the first moment I met you. There were a lot of distractions. I felt it for a second when we were sitting in the drive thru and then again eating fried chicken in the kitchen. I felt it in the moment that you threw my dog across the room in the middle of the night.

You're not right in the way that most people are right. You're not overtly wonderful. You're not flashy. But you're not not any of those things either. You're subtle. You're non-judgmental. You're strangely deep.

I knew from the moment I met you that I could be crazy, and too much, and overwhelming and the center of all attention, and I could still be yours. You could deal with me and call it beautiful. I knew in that first moment. 

I knew you were complicated and simple all at the same time. I knew you were incredibly smart and astonishingly dumb. You're cocky and humble. Rich and poor. Light and dark. I knew you were.... and I was too....all at the same time. 

But here we are. I'm here, and you're there. Right does not come easy to you. That's part of your beauty.

But none of it changes the fact that you were made to make me smile, carry my dreams, keep my body warm.

Ex

I recently started seeing my ex again. No, not a random dude I dated for a couple of weeks. I started seeing the ex that I spent two years cohabitating with. We've been broken up for almost 3 years now. I describe my time with him to most people as 'the worst 2 years of my life.' He doesn't know that. And somehow, we managed to spark 3 years after my escape. I don't say 'spark again', because we never sparked in the first place, which is just one of the reasons that it was such a terrible 2 years. 

Anyway, I found myself really liking the guy. The guy I once thought of as stupid, indecisive, shallow, unmotivated, insecure, and lacking personality grew up to be ambitious, educated, well spoken, humorous, and delightful. I must REALLY be desperate if I'm thinking like that! It's like a man mirage in the dating desert. 

(hehehehe...that's funny. I'm the funniest person I know) 

So yesterday I had the talk with him, the 'we can't be just a casual thing' talk. He said that he had a lot to think about with it and we left it at that. During that time, I was in the process of going to a graduation party and was driving an hour to Denver for the party, which is conveniently where he also lives. On my way up there, I found out that it was going to be a much more casual party than I originally presumed. I was way overdressed. I brought an extra outfit just in case so I called the ex to ask if I could get his opinion and maybe change clothes at his place. He said that he and a friend were planning to go grab a drink so he would not be home. I asked him if he could possibly wait half an hour or leave his door unlocked. I begged him. I pleaded my case. I told him it would only take a minute. He said no. 

No. 

Excuse me? You know this is the girl you said you wanted to be your girlfriend right? I was pissed. And hurt. I actually cried in my car over it. It seems like a small thing for me to get so upset over, but I actually had feelings for this guy. We had such a long history, and to get a refusal to be mildly inconvenienced by someone that supposedly cares about you? At that moment, it was clear that this was not someone I wanted in my life in any capacity. Who needs enemies when you have boyfriends like that!?

But.

When we were talking about this, and I was whining about not wanting to be overdressed, he said something so perfectly. He reminded me that I was going to be surrounded by friends who loved me and didn't care what I was wearing. I glossed over his words initially. I texted him and basically told him to fuck off and never talk to me again. I had a good cry and wallowed in my frustration and hurt for a few minutes. Then I parked my car and walked into the party. My friends told me how great I looked and what an asshole my ex was (and is). They reassured me that I would find my guy eventually, and we reveled in our friends' accomplishments like good friends do. I forgot all about my hurt feelings and eventually passed out on the floor of the guestroom. I know it wasn't super inconvenient for my friend to house me, but when I thanked her she said, "That's what the guestroom is for." And I thought, 'who needs a boyfriend with friends like that?'

Done

I'm pissed. I'm done. I'm pissed and done. I am tired of being some man's entertainment. I'm tired of being a texting buddy when they're lonely. I'm tired of being amusement when they're away from home. I'm tired of spending my energy and money and time to be nothing put a toy taken out and played with and put back on a shelf when it's all over. I'm tired of saying' yes' when I want to say 'no'. I'm tired of staying up when all I want is to sleep. I'm tired of bending so they don't have to. I'm tired of making two puzzle pieces fit when they don't. I'm tired of batting away half-witted compliments when I want to tell you your eyes are the color of dirt. I'm tired of overlooking your lies and broken promises and business trips and missed communication. I'm tired of being a matter of convenience for you. I'm tired most of all of giving a shit what they think and trying to be something I hope to God one of them could love forever. I'm tired of being the sex kitten, the 'Susie-homemaker', and the one to bring home the bacon. I'm tired of missing them, and thinking 'if only', and and jumping to answer their phone calls. I'm tired of being embarrassed about my simple lifestyle, my double bed that I share with my 2 dogs, and stack of dirty dishes in the sink.

I'm tired of being the witty, funny, smart thing I think you want me to be. I'm not apologizing. I'm no longer faking. I'm no longer covering it up. Don't text me. Don't call me. Don't show up at my house. Don't ask me out at 9pm on a Tuesday night. Don't throw my dogs off the bed while you try to undress me. Don't make me feel guilty for not wanting you to spend the night. Don't make me feel guilty for not saying what you thought I should. I don't care what I'm missing out on. I don't care what a 'catch' you are. I don't care about how many drinks you buy me or how nice your car is, how many 14ers you've climbed, countries you've traveled to, animals you've killed, strippers you've dated. I don't care how many names you call me, misogynistic epithets you give, I don't care. I am done.


*no boys were harmed in the making of this blog post

Hind sight

I sitting here looking at a picture of a man I loved deeply. A flood of emotions come to me:

I miss you. I'm sorry. Who are you? I just want you to make me laugh again. I remember our child. I see her in my mind's eye. I wonder where you are. Are you happy? I have no doubt you are. You always knew how to do that...be happy. I couldn't seem to figure it out. Not with you. Not with anyone. All you wanted to do was to love me, and you did in spite of myself. Now so many years later, my body trembles for the sorrow of love lost. How am I just now realizing how much I was you and you were me?

Here I am on this late night staring at a picture of your wife and child. So beautiful and lovely and full of love. I know it. You always had so much love to give. Your love was relentless in fact. It didn't let me go for quite some time despite my efforts.

All of the crazy nights and vacations and inside jokes and late night conversations and coming back for more amounted to me telling you not to talk to me anymore. A couple of months later you found your dream woman. And here I am, still loving you from so many years and miles away. I would give anything just to know the man you have become. It kills me that you don't know the woman I have become. I know you cast me off in your mind's eye as a pathetic wretch you got fooled into caring for. Fortunately, I'm glad you were apart of me becoming who I am today. I just wish you knew how sorry I am and always will be for not realizing then what I know now. You were great and extraordinary. It was a privilege to hold your heart for a sweet crazy moment in time.

Alone

That moment when I turn the light for the night. It's quiet. Not quite sedated. And I'm alone. Again. The silence of this empty house screams in my heart: empty bed, empty house, empty heart. 

I'm hit again. 

Born. Alone.
Scared. Alone. 
Cry. Alone. 
Grow. Alone. 
Learn. Alone. 
Figure it out. Alone.
Strong. Alone. 
Smile. Alone. 
Suffer. Alone. 
Walk. Alone. 
Sleep. Alone. 

Strangely, after a lifetime of practice, I'm still not good at being alone. 
The lights are out again, only this time, years and miles later. Alone.

Rebirth

Tonight I am reflecting on the past year. It was another rough one in many ways, but it was one of rebirth. I learned some hard lessons but grew up (just a little) in the process. I feel like I'm leaving this year better than I found it. I can say that this year I have grown in love, wisdom, and understanding.

I'm figuring out that my life is shaping up to be nothing like what I thought it would be, and this year I came a little closer to being ok with that. I stopped putting my life on hold, waiting for something to happen and just began to make my own life for myself. I stopped sitting around waiting for it to happen and took steps towards getting it. As a result, I actually feel like my life is more full of true love than ever. It just hasn't come in the form I expected.It wasn't a man per se, but this year I experienced amazing love from friends and found a boss who believes in me.

I feel like for the first time in a long time I have put a weight I have carrying down. I put down the weight of trying to be something and someone I am not. By putting down the weight of trying to get everyone to accept me, I could finally accept myself. I realize that I have been trying to attract people with my looks, and the truth is, the right people will love me regardless. Part of that weight is realizing that the right thing is not always the easy thing. I've learned to walk away from people who don't add value to my life. Those people will never be more than a burden, and I have enough of those. But like the Ed Sheeran song says, "maybe we (me) found love right where we are."  To me this year it means that I found love right in front of me through my friends, family, and most importantly, myself.

This year I tapped in to my inner child, my inner goddess, my inner warrior, my inner lover.

I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to this next year. Not because this last one was so bad but because I am excited for what is on the horizon. I know that whatever it is, I'm determined to do it with a style and flair and beauty all my own.