Brazilian bust

A few weeks ago, I went on a pretty bad date. Clearly, I'm still pissed about it. This guy was orignally from Brazil and lived 2 and 1/2 hours north from me while finishing up his PhD in some kind of animal science studies. I had never been there, and somehow thought it was only 1 and 1/2 hours north. It was around 6pm when I finally showed up.

Before getting there, he told me the plan was for us to take a walk, then do something about dinner, and go to a country line dancing bar afterwards. So, of course, I showed up dressed to go out. What? I can walk in heels. Little did I know, by 'walking', he meant 'hiking'. He was clearly disappointed that I showed up looking like a million bucks, sans hiking boots. (Only in Colorado)

So we went on a walk around his neighborhood with some flip flops borrowed from his roommate. We had pretty good conversation about politics and funny dates we had been on. When we arrived back at his house, I thought we were going to have dinner of sorts because it was like...dinner time. No. No dinner. He didn't even mention dinner. We just got ready to go out and stood around watching his roommates eat dinner.

In between all of this he was trying to kiss me. When I was clearly freaked out by his forwardness, his excuse was that he was Brazilian. This, in my opinion, was not a reasonable excuse for anything except for an accent.

We went to the country line dancing bar where he immediately surrounded himself with a circle of (ugly) women. He was standing with his back completely towards me like I wasn't even there. He didn't introduce me. He didn't even acknowledge me for at least 15 minutes or more. Needless to say, I was visibly annoyed. I had more conversation with his (hot) roommates than him the whole night. They thought the guy was crazy. He eventually noticed that I wasn't having a good time. At that moment is when he chooses to say, "Hey, there are 2 or 3 girls who want me to dance with them. Is that ok with you?"

After the night was over, he tried to get me to sleep over. I made it clear I would be driving home that evening. Before I left he said, "I had a great time tonight, but I won't be back until October, so I will call you then." At that point, I had pretty much had it with this guy. I finally called him out and asked why he would go out on a date with someone when he was going to be gone for 5 months.

This was the part that KILLED me. He started acting like I was a psycho. I believe the patented phrase is "on his nuts." "It's not like you're my girlfriend. I have to travel for work. You have to deal with that. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow." And on and on. What the hell? Why is that at the moment a woman holds a man accountable for anything, she's a psycho? Men somehow know that is the worst thing you could call a girl. Forget "bitch" "whore" and other names, psycho is the one word that supersedes any other name. Luckily, this time I didn't fall for it. I grabbed my stuff and left.

I can say this, never again will I drive any lengthy distance for a man who is not my father, brother, boyfriend, husband, or son, or any variation thereof. I also won't date another Brazilian in wranglers and a cowboy hat.

This is why I'm single!

Russian Roulette

I gave my number to a guy a week ago who texted me within minutes of entering the number into his phone. That's almost as bad as a guy who calls your phone right in front of you to make sure you didn't give him a fake number. Come on, guys, give us a break!


 I digress. He promptly invited me on a date and I said yes. Fortunately for him, as I have said, my biggest problem is giving people too many chances. So when he texted me to say "If you play your cards right, I'll let you hold my hand" I laughed it off as playful humor.


Now, why is it that (some) men can't stop there? They get a woman to laugh at a joke, and they just keep rolling the dice in hopes of more laughs. They don't realize that they are basically playing Russian Roulette by joking with someone they barely know.


This guy sent me a follow up text to let me know he couldn't wait to feel his "big arms wrapped around (my) little body." Is it me, or is this a little creepy from someone you just met? I didn't even know how to respond. I just stood there looking at the message like someone had just ran my car into a light pole or something. Luckily, I got busy and was unable to respond. During that time, he expressed his displeasure with my lack of response, by texting me over and over. The guy could speak 5 languages, but he couldn't take a hint. I really think that if you give people enough time and space, they prove themselves.Some take a shorter time than others. In this case, merely a few texts and it was clear this game of Russian Roulette would turn out with someone dead.


So we went on a date. It was ok except he kept winking. He would make a joke, and wink. That could be sweet..except he made so many jokes and winked so much it looked like he had something in his eye...or a seizure.


As we walked around, sure enough, he wanted to hold my hand. He wanted our fingers to interlock as well like we were long-time lovers or something. I felt incredibly awkward about it too. What do you say at a moment like this? "Holding your hand sucks"?


Finally, he walked me to my car and hugged goodnight. Afterwards, like clockwork, he texted me to let me know that, indeed, my little body felt good in his big arms. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. When did "I had a nice time tonight" go out of style?


The next day, he texted me "Do you think it's too soon for me to ask for a second date since we had so much fun on our first date?" I responded and said I couldn't because I had plans. He said, "I was kidding." Then, an hour later, I receive a follow up text, "You know you like me. Just admit it." Needless to say, I have yet to respond with my profession of never-ending love...or anything for that matter.


Oh, to top it off he had a name that was extremely similar to Britney Spears.

This is why I'm single.

BEWARE TO ALL WHO DARE!!!

This is my dad.

This is why I'm single.

FYI

FYI: Inviting someone to a complete stranger's birthday celebration at a baseball game does not a date make.

THIS is why I'm single!

WTF

Shortly after my most recent break up, I went on several dates with a guy after several suggestions to date older men. We had a couple of great dates, but spent most of our communication texting because he lived 45 minutes away.

Instantly, we had a lot of friction. He started a fight with me when I didn't immediately return his texts. He accused me of being "shady" for being so consumed with my school, work, and other obligations not to return his texts. What I really wanted to say: you ain't that hot, honey. What I did say: F*** off, bro.

After that episode, we had several other good dates, but after each one he would text me something ridiculous like, "I think you're hiding something." "You make too many herpes jokes. You shouldn't joke like that." "Your issues seem like just an excuse for you to act like a slut." etc.

The main thing that pissed me off about this was that I actually tried. After our texting argument, I actually tried to respond in a timely manner to his texts. I would send him texts to let him know I was thinking about him. I made the effort to drive to see him several times. I even sent him photos of wind turbines I saw on my way to Texas (He makes wind turbines for a living). I told him that though I wanted to take things slowly, I let him into my life. We even became facebook friends!!

After I had enough, I texted him explaining that he was just mean, and I was sick and tired of it. Never contact me again. Sure enough, several weeks later I get a facebook message saying that I had been super dramatic about the whole thing, and he wanted to stay friends. Seemed silly especially since he lived in another town. Pueblo, a town I have grown to loathe with every ounce of my being, and tried never visit to at all costs. So I appeased him and said, "OK, we're friends."

I tell you what! Not a couple days later and I receive a text. "Hey! I need a favor. I need you to research that tax problem I had."

Excuse me? Did I hear you right? You plagued my life for a month and a half, accuse me of being dishonest, call me shady and other names, and you have the audacity to ask me to give you what I charge other for, for free?

...that sounded wrong.


...did I mention he's bald and has ED?






This is why I'm single.

DB: Dumb bitch or Douche bag?

One of the hardest things about dating is not knowing what the other person is thinking. You can be having a great time with a guy, laughing, flirting, making him laugh, having stimulating conversation, and when he doesn't call, you're clueless.

Typically, I don't care when this happens. However, when I actually LIKE someone to the point of vulnerability...it just pisses me off. I like you, and you don't like me back? You're an asshole. Simple as that.

I recently met a guy who I initially thought was going to be a weirdo. He defined himself by his strict Paleo diet and his addiction to Crossfit. He spent the first 20 minutes of our first conversation filling me in on all of the things he didn't eat. He also waxed his eyebrows into a feminine arch and shaved his entire body. To follow up with all of these things, he felt it relevant to tell me about his obsessive compulsive need for things to be clean. Needless to say, I was not falling all over myself for this guy.

Then, something happened. I can't tell you what it was. We just sparked. All relationships take a little sprinkle of magic to work. Someone somewhere waived their magic wand, and we couldn't get enough of each other.

I felt vulnerable by these feelings. I like to present myself to the world as this independent put-together woman who doesn't need a man. Men like that too. But the moment I have feelings, I turn into this needy, insecure, clingy person I'm unfamiliar with.

Anyway, I liked him. Really really liked him. He seemed to reciprocate my feelings too with texts telling me he thought I was amazing and funny, etc.

Then, after a day of drinking with friends, playing darts, and being outside, I was exhausted. I had also only had 4 hours of sleep the night before. Towards the end of the day I received a call from my rogue sister which sent my energy crashing. After I announced that I was going to go home, I sensed something imperceptible. Something shifted. Changed. I just had this feeling that this would be the last amazing day I had with this guy. I saw that I was just a source of entertainment to him. A plaything. An amusement.

Was our chemistry all in my head? Was I so desperate for a man that faked a connection?

After that day, his interest in me waned, and I received less and less contact from him. When I asked him, as casually as possible, if he was still interested, he said yes but needed to take things slower. So I told him that I respected that. I would not contact unless he reached out to me. Over the course of a couple of weeks he would text me flirtatiously asking about my day and complaining about work. But he never followed it up by asking for a date.

The most frustrating thing about all of this was not knowing what this guy was thinking. That's probably the most frustrating thing about every guy. What had I done to turn him off? What was wrong with me? Was it him or me? Could he sense my vulnerability? Men are like these weird animals that have their own way of communicating, and they refuse to accept any other form of communication. Their rules. Their way. Or else you're going to get your ass kicked either physically or emotionally. Bummer. I guess, I have to let go and send him to the island of lost men. This is the same place the one-night stands and Peter Pan types live.

I admit I find solace in the fact that I might have been able to live with a guy who shaves his entire body, but I could never put up with a guy who waxes his eyebrows like a girl. I can't eat like a caveman either.

And that's why I'm single.

Instant Messenger Boy

I was hanging out with my brother the other night when I got an IM from a guy on a popular dating site I frequent. Im's are definitely not my thing, but who can resist the lure of a flirty conversation over the internet with a complete stranger? (sarcasm) 

So I opened the IM. "You’re profile intruiged me. You look like more fun than a bar of soap with a hole in it.” 

I feel as though I could end the whole post right here, and you'd get the point. But recently, I've discovered that my problem with dating is that I give men too many chances. So, I passed along my brother's response: "That's disgusting." The guy was completely confused as to why I wasn't flattered. He apologized and said he had never met a girl who didn't think that was funny :/

In my forgiving manner, I told him I would give him a pass because, afterall, we've all been there, right? At this moment, he was at a fork in the road. Change the subject or keep going? He proceeded to say "It's really a joke for the whole family. That is, if you get what holes are for."

Aaaannnndddd this is why I'm single.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

I’m looking for love. Who isn’t? We all crave that feeling of butterflies in our stomach, the feeling of being on a rollercoaster when you kiss for the first time, and mostly we all want love to last forever. So where along the way did men learn that cheesy pickup lines, lack of manners, and crude jokes were the way to lasting love?

I know I probably sound like one of those embittered women who blame all of their problems on men. Nope. That is not me, not one bit. I used to be bitter, but I made the decision several years ago to let go of it all and laugh. I do believe that love wins, and until it does win in my life, I’m going to laugh at all of the crazy, ridiculous, awkward moments along the way.  So here goes, this blog will be my special place to unload all of the craziness that is dating. I ultimately hope to find true love and have a few laughs along the way.

I, hereby, call this blog: “This is why I’m single”.